Apocalypse

I've been really sort of exercising my brain during this vacation. Sort of geeky I know, but I've been finding myself getting caught up into some different topics, which leads to other topics, and inevitably starts to encourage my own theories on things. This all started when I saw this clip from Zeitgeist, which gives an extremely interesting look at religious structure and it's remarkable correlations with astrology. Keep in mind when your watching this though this is from an obviously bias source, but some of the stuff they have to say is very interesting. My Mom then keyed me onto a subject she's been reading about called Noetic Science, which in the most briefest of explanations is: "Advancing the science of consciousness and human experience to serve individual and collective transformation."Some pretty intriguing and hefty stuff here, and could be interpreted to be the actual science of mysticism and basically magic if you will through the study of our brain's and it's unused potential. Needless to say this was already starting to get me thinking about a lot of things. I then received Dan Brown's book: The Lost Symbol, which ironically touches on aspects from both Noetic Sciences and aspects of things discussed in Zeitgeist! While I know it's a work of fiction, there is still a lot of interesting facts in the book relating to both. I now find myself reading The Power of Myth, by Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers. This was actually a suggested reading from friends Alain Stracke and his wife Lynda Reid, which sprang out of conversations I was having with them roughly three weeks ago. While I've only begun to scratch the surface, it's already gone further to encourage some things I've been learning from these other resources, and these all have begun to effect/encourage the way I think about life, religion, beliefs, and even the gaming industry. I HIGHLY recommend looking into some of this stuff, as I've found it to be incredibly interesting and I can certainly see that this won't be ending for me any time soon.

While I have a lot on my mind there were two things I wanted to talk about briefly in this post... First of all the concept of the "Apocalypse," which ironically enough has become quite popular with kids my age (yea I'm still a kid...) and definitely the entertainment industry. You hear many genres now being "Post-Apocalyptic," and typically involve atom bombs, zombies, mutants, and the like. Yet I think you'll find this as interesting as I did... did you know the literal meaning behind the word "Apocalypse" is "lifting of the veil" or "revelation?" This doesn't quite sound like Armageddon to me. The Bible even discusses "revelation at the end of the æon, or age." (please note that even though I'm linking wikipedia right now, this also comes straight from Zeitgeist, The Lost Symbol, and I think it's discussed some in The Power of Myth.) If you watch the clip from Zeitgeist, you realize that the "age" discussed could be the new celestial age of "Aquarius" which we'll be moving out of the age of "Pisces" and into. Brown brings in a few interesting points, and implies that perhaps this pending "Apocalypse" is actually predicting a new age of enlightenment. New revelations that may shake the foundations of the way we think, interpret the world, and live our lives. We are constantly making new leaps and bounds as far as technology is concerned, we can move matter faster than light, we're doing crazy stuff with dark matter, and we're even developing mini-lightsabers for field surgeons... Could break throughs in Noetic Sciences lead to a new age of revelation? Although it's also a good thing to point out that in any age of enlightenment, there will most likely be a "dark age" where people may find themselves different sides. Where innovation meets resistance from those who disagree with it either for religious beliefs or possible other ethical dilemmas. Could this impending Armageddon be a clash between sciences and religion? Who knows? I certainly won't be holding my breath in 2012.

I also wanted to talk a bit about Mythology, and it's possible link with society and even video games... but I've already written quite a bit and perhaps I should read more of "The Power of Myth" before I start going into that tangent :P

I'll finish with this though... as I was driving with my Dad today I began thinking about Montreal. It's funny to think that it has been eight months since I first moved in up there, three apartments, four parking spots, five roommates, two visas, and two jobs... To think now after all this time I finally feel like everything has fit into place. I have a nice apartment, where I can now park my car, I've got a good roommate, I like my job, I've got my visa approved, and I finally have a circle of friends. It's only taken me eight months to sort out my life haha. Yet it finally feels in place, and I couldn't be more excited for 2010. For me it's actually the start for the rest of my life, 2009 was a transition period between college and career, and 2010 marks the official start of my career in a sense. I have nothing but high hopes and positive feelings about this new year. Some great things happened in 2009, but 2010 is going to be better :)

Happy New Years everyone! Let's make 2010 a great one!

In the land of sand and snow

"Do you ever get the feeling like you already know the entire contents of the universe somewhere inside your head, as if you were born with a complete map of this world already grafted onto the folds of your cerebellum and you are just spending your entire life figuring out how to access this map?"

(Larsen, Page 315 in "The Selected works of T.S. Spivet")

First off Yes I'm still reading this book, call me a slow reader, whatever it's been a great read. I found this particular passage really interesting to consider... I've wrote about "The Secret" in the past, and how I believe sometimes your perceptions create your reality. This to me sounds sort of similar... have you ever had a feeling like you knew the outcome of something, whether it be good or bad? Just sort of knew what might happen? Perhaps in some strange way it's Deja Vu, perhaps we then "will" it to happen like the "Secret" would suggest, or perhaps the answer was there to begin with. I won't write much further on this as I don't want to dilute any opinions you may have on the subject, but I think it's interesting to mull over... be sure to let me know what you come up with :)

So as you might have guessed I have returned to Arizona, where my parents now live. It's really sort of interesting being back here, as it's now a whole new level of familiar. Not only is the area starting to become familiar, but seeing things that was from our house in New Hampshire now in this new place was really strange at first. It was little things that struck me, the small sheep magazine holder Dad always had by his chair, the strange old cabinet we have for our canned goods, and even some of the pictures that now have a new wall to hang out. The funny thing is that these didn't feel misplaced, rather they felt like home and in some strange way just sort of fit in... fit into this new home. It's exciting really.

I've spent most of the week with my Dad, exploring things from Petroglyphs to... well the local Walmart haha. While at times he's certainly on my nerves, it's nice to spend some time with him again, as we typically don't spend much time together. Going back to what I was discussing above, the whole "knowing something before it happens" bit. Well as you may have known I've been in limbo for quite sometime now as to my future, first it was complicated to get the official job offer, and since then I had been waiting on the Canadian government to either approve or deny my visa application. Something deep in my gut told me that things were going to be alright, although after all this time I had begun to get pretty nervous about what the results might be. Well I received a great phone call earlier this week to inform me that my Visa has cleared and that it appears that I'll will be continuing work with Ludia at the beginning of the new year! I'm excited to say the least, I mean for a while now everything in my life has been short term... and to now have a full time job and everything all set... to just perhaps settle in for a while rather than being a nomad. I'm super excited. I'm especially happy to return to work with many of my friends from Mistic and my new friends from Ludia. Not to mention others who I have met in my travels in Montreal. Although with the nice weather in Arizona, I'm not exactly super excited about returning to the Arctic haha needless to say I think it's great. I'm really looking forward to 2010 for some reason... Something in my gut tells me it's going to be good.

One last thing I'd like to mention, if you haven't been following the EMC Blog, the team has been at Saint Lucia to test the first episode of their game. I would be wishing them the best of luck right now, but as they have proven time and time again... Luck has nothing to do with it.

Ironically enough I was a South West flight to Chicago last week (on the way to Arizona) and I just so happen to pick up a copy of the Spirit magazine in front of me. I start to thumb through it, actually just trying to use it to cover the fact that my carry on didn't fit in the seat in front of me, when I stumbled upon this article. Low and behold I'm sitting on a plane reading about the Emergent Media Center, Ann Demarle, and projects that I have worked on in the past. I was beside myself and couldn't help but laugh, and try to explain it to the incredibly uninterested passenger next to me.

To be honest sometimes I wish I had stayed, I miss the EMC and the work I did there. I see others where I was before and I'm jealous, almost like someone else taking your baby away from you. It's all different now, and in many ways I know I don't belong there anymore... but seeing others who have stayed certainly makes me wonder if I should have too. The work they do is... well good for the heart :)

Although part of me knows that it was the right decision to start my own path. To venture out on my own and to open up the next chapter of my life. That's probably the same part that knew my Visa would end up clearing haha.Well it's late and I should really end this long post sooo I will.

G'night anyone who actually takes the time to read this :P

A change in weather

Thinking back, for the past several months my thoughts have revolved around this sense of isolation that I had been feeling. I had blogged about it plenty, and it troubled me quite a bit. Yet, something curious has happened and for some reason it's changed. For those of you who don' t know, I'm still waiting on news about my next work visa, and during this time I can't legally work. So I went to the states for a little while. While there something strange happened, I had this sort of anxious feeling to get back to Montreal. I tried hard to justify it, it's not like anyone would be available to hang out, and how man times had I sat frustrated in the middle of french conversations that I couldn't partake in... I couldn't understand why I wasn't more ecstatic to be in the States.

Needless to say I returned last Sunday to Montreal, the day before my Birthday. Benoit suggested that he had been talking to some people from work and who we hang out with, and he thought we should have an "Apero." Which is sort of like just having appetisers and drinks and inviting people over. I wasn't sure, as I don't typically host parties, but I decided... What the hell, why not?

I spent my day doing chores, preparing Christmas stuff, getting stuff for the party, laundry... all the good stuff haha. Luckily for me it managed to snow on my birthday, which holds a special significance to me. See I don't think I've ever had a birthday in which it hasn't snowed just a little bit. While there are times I'm not too happy it's snowing, on my birthday it's different and I couldn't be happier.

That night I was so surprised to see so many people arrived to partake in the Apero, and even surprised me at my door with a cake! There were people from work, and people who Benoit and I hang out with and even some americans :) I'll be honest, I'm not sure I've ever had such a big birthday! I mean when I was a kid I think the most I ever invited over was like five kids. It was really just awesome to see everybody and have such a good night. For this, I really am happy I decided to be in Montreal for my Birthday.

I visited work today to go to lunch with a friend, and it was really fun to bump into some people, whose first reactions were "Your back?!" Which I unfortunately kept having to say, "Not yet." It was nice though seeing people be excited to see me, and all anxious to hear about my visa. The head of HR at Ludia was mentioning that I have quite the fan club, as different people on a daily basis ask her about me :)

I suddenly find myself feeling apart of a community that I've developed for myself in Montreal... one that I wasn't quite sure I had. I'm not sure how I managed it, but in the time that I've arrived here... I've somehow made a place for me here, and I already feel a bit connected to Montreal in some way. What worries me now is my visa, and if I hear no I'll be starting from scratch once more... For now though, I'm thankful for my time up here, the people I've met, and the experiences I've had.

An American Living in Montreal

I can't be the only one who thinks that random acts of violence have the potential to be pretty hilarious. It's not that I actually want to hurt anybody, quite the contrary. Relatively speaking I'm not really a violent individual... but do I think about how funny/horrible it might be if I were to suddenly scream "THIS IS MONTREAL" and kick someone into the Metro. Not that I ever would... Sure you could probably blame video games, or many upon many years of other violent media on shaping such supposedly sadistic thoughts. I'm sure people reading this may very well, but I don't. I've made it clear on several occasions that I believe that we are merely made up of our experiences, and obviously exposure to such things probably has had some impact on me. Yet, I enjoy my seemingly random strings of thought. Do you ever find your self happy living inside your own head? Perhaps this life of half isolation that I've been living has had some negative effects on me. Yet lately I find myself quite content in my own head.

I remember in college I had tendencies to laugh at my own jokes, or alternative views of reality that I might imagine in my head. Few people would actually notice, but when they did it was always sort of awkward sometimes trying to explain. As inevitably it never quite came out as funny as it was in my head. There was one friend though in College who would always encourage me to share what I was thinking, I got so used to sharing that now that I don't... just feels strange sometimes. Since I was encouraged, I think its made me day dream even more. Without having an outlet made me sort of depressed for a while, but I think I've become comfortable with it again. I've chosen to be quite happy lately, and it's been good :)

I do believe that we make out own happiness, and naturally we need to have both good days and bad. Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself, but there are certain days where I'm unhappy because I chose to be.

The other day I thought about writing a blog post with whatever entered my mind at the time. Just a little stream of thought from the world I live in everyday. While I'm sure it may seem like random babbling, I think we all need to be more in touch with our own inner ranter; and to truly understand someone else... perhaps we need to hear how the world is perceived in their eyes.

I thought about all of this on my way to another french outing, and how if I were to ever write a book about my perceptions about life living in Montreal; I may call it "An American living in Montreal." Although it's still unknown as to how long my stay here will actually be, and of course there comes the question of actually ambition to do so.

One thing is for certain though... If you see me in a seemingly mundane environment, and catch me trying to hide a smile. I very well may be thinking of a random act of violence...



(Disclaimer: I don't actually always think about random acts of violence, nor do I have any intention on hurting anyone. The point was to talk about random thoughts, and well this post is certainly full of them)

Take life as it comes

Life is always changing, and ironically enough change can be the scariest thing sometimes. In this respect, for a little while now, I've tried my best to be prepared for anything that might come my way. The way things have gone for me, it seems as though I have to be prepared for the unexpected as in most cases, they turn out to be some of the greatest experiences in my life. My first excursion for the Emergent Media Center for example, heading off to Eliot Masie's Learning 2007 conference. Seemed like such a rash thing to do, but lead to so many other great possibilities for me. It's funny to think it's been two years since then, and it's been fun reading about the newest EMC team at this year's learning conference. All that feels like it was a life time away, and I've certainly changed along with my circumstances since then.

A lot of people ask me what my plans are, and really they are quite vague. I like it this way though. I've come to a certain understanding about life, and it isn't based on certainties. For me it's based on balance, the most we can do is try our best at whatever we set forth to do, have a positive attitude, and hope good things return to us. Along with this though, we have to have ups and downs in our life, and it's important to have both equally. If we didn't have hard times, how could we truly appreciate the good times in our lives? We need bad days, to recognize the good ones. I think I'm on my way out of a uncertain time in my life, which was on a bit of a low. My circumstances changed drastically again, and while in some ways I'm still in limbo as to what I'm going to be doing, things have begun to balance themselves out I think. The limbo part of my life, resides in if my visa will get approved by the Canadian government, which there is a possibility that it won't be. The good part of my life is that I did receive a job offer from Ludia Software in Montreal. Lately there always seems to be more complications when it comes to things, but I'm hoping to hear soon that my visa has been approved. If it doesn't, well I'm not sure what I'll do to be honest. I don't even know where I'd live, would I try to go back to New Hampshire for a while to an empty home, stay with someone in Burlington, or would I follow my parents and go to Arizona? I'm really not sure, and in my mind nothing is set in stone. Whatever happens, I have to believe it's for the best. If my future lies in Montreal, the visa will get approved. If it doesn't, then that just mean life intends on me being elsewhere and that's ok too. Whatever happens, I'll figure it out... sometimes you have to play with the cards your dealt, no matter what's in your hand. One thing I'm sure about though, is that wherever I end up, things will be ok. I managed to make a bit of a life for myself in a new city, I suppose I could probably do it again.

One final note is that MIGS or SIJM (to the french) is coming up next week, and while it's unfortunate that I won't be attending this year, I'm looking forward to hopefully seeing some people coming up for this event. Good luck to you Champlainers who are going, as this is an extremely good networking opportunity. Ironically enough, people who I met there last year, I ended up working with at my first job :)

Congrats again to this year's Learning 2009 Team! Miss you guys!


p.s be sure to check out some new sections of my Gallery, finally added a part for the America's Army project and some of my DS work is up there now :)

Montreal it is!

Well while nothing is official before I can sign something, it looks as though my stay in Montreal has been extended :)

Details on the job offer will follow in possibly a weeks time...

Feels like it could be the start of something great :)

A new Tipping Point

I found it interesting as I twisted the cable around my hand into a tight little knot. This simple act had been so deeply ingrained into my muscle memory, that it took no thought at all. How many cables had I done the same act to? For a moment I was brought back to Gilford High School, where I worked my summers, even before the kayak shop... Then suddenly I was brought back into the reality that was today. I was packing my desk, for terms that I'm not at liberty to say. I looked down at my phone, reading the text from my Mom to inform me they were now on the road. I peered across the room at Benoit, laughing and saying some goodbyes. So much can change in such a short amount of time, and today I found myself at yet another tipping point in my life. Yet it wasn't just a tipping point for me, but for many and nothing would be the same after today. For better or worse, certain things had been set into motion and now were irreversible.

This road is familiar to me now, while you can never tell where it's going, sometimes you have to have faith that it's leading you in the right direction. Sometimes the bumpiest segments can lead to the best places. The Knees have left Moultonborough, my parents have started their journey west to Arizona, Benoit has finished his internship and starts his studies once more, a friend from Burlington has decided to make a big move, and as for me... well I was really hoping I could be writing some answers down here, but I can't. I still have many unanswered questions, but a hidden trail has opened on my path... and for now I'm hoping to take it a while to see where it goes...

If it's for better or worse, I cannot tell. I can only have faith that things will work out in the end, and hopefully by the end of this day I will know if my future lies in Montreal or elsewhere.In any case, I'll be alright :)

Clear Headed

It was strange really. For so long this place had been fairly central in my life, a place where you could undoubedly find me every day, and had always been a place filled with familiar faces. In such a short time though, I can't help but feel as though so much has changed. These thoughts ran through my head as I exited the EMC, and headed towards my car. Yet before I could make it there, I was pulled in a different direction. In some strange way I felt compelled to visit the river, so I did. I made my way down to the "Onion River" and found myself soon on it's path once again. I had grown to know this path very well, and it had become a place of refuge for me quite sometime ago. When my head was full, and I needed to figure things out, this is where I used to head. I went to my typical "thinking" spot by the river, and at first this too almost felt unfamiliar. I searched around for any clues, that may ring something deep side. I found that I had been looking in the wrong spot at first, and like a ghost I could suddenly see impression I had made here. I could see myself standing at that very spot, contemplating a great number of things, all of which I'm not prepared to share here. Yet that day was different, my head wasn't full of turmoil. In fact I was at ease, something that I typically didn't bring along with me to this place. I found it ironic that in fact my head was quite clear. I smiled and walked away, without looking back, I left the troubles of the past behind...

It's strange to know in such a short amount of time, I've changed some. I'm not quite the person I was six months ago. For better or for worse, things are different now. Life is constantly changing and sometimes the best we can do is ride the current. Some big changes might be happening in my life soon enough. My best friend from Burlington is moving away, and my parents have both finally found jobs in Arizona and will make their move by the beginning of November. Really I couldn't be happier for them, to have the courage to make a change this big, I really couldn't be more excited for them and their next adventure. Although in some ways I'm seeing what support systems I had for myself seem to be leaving within the next month. With my parents move, there really won't be much for me in New Hampshire anymore. Although there are still people for me in Burlington, it just won't be quite the same without this one. I should be hearing by Monday if Mistic will keep me, and if they don't? To be honest I'm not sure where I'll go. Burlington? New Hampshire to an empty home? Arizona? I can't be sure. Although I'm never quite sure where I'm headed, but sometimes you just have to know that everything will turn up the way it's supposed to, and I'll ride the wave to wherever it takes me.

Congrats Mom and Dad! I hope you find what your looking for in opening this next chapter of your life :)

Anticipation

It's the anticipation... approaching a time in your life where you know that decisions are going to be made that will judge how where your life takes you. It's the same feeling you get as you near the end of college, the unseen, as exciting as it can be... at times is unnerving. It's hard to really feel comfortable in a place that might be so temporary. Will I stay, will I go? I'm not sure but will welcome what comes my way. Although I will say that I'm still a bit lonely here, something that I thought would have left me by now. There are certain people I miss a lot, so much so that I'm beginning to wonder if that should weigh into these decisions that have to be made. Yet I have begun to make a place for myself here, I really enjoy work, and I'm getting along well with my "Frenchie." I'm not sure what life will bring me, but I'll play with the cards I've been dealt.

Something Familiar

I walked with the determination I found every morning on my way to work. Almost in a trance, I leave the apartment with Benoit. Talk the typical morning conversations, maybe even some chatter about what today might bring for work. As I made my way down the escalator today though, something caught me off guard. There was someone at the bottom playing a song, not unlike most of my mornings, but this felt different. He was on a flute, and had a boombox playing piano behind him. Something about the tune sort of sunk into me, but I couldn't quite place it. Then for some reason my mouth began to "whisper words of wisdom, let it be..." How could I have not put my finger on it sooner, it was Paul McCartney, quite possibly my Father's favorite singer of all time.The melody had sounded so foreign coming from the flute, but the piano was undoubtable. I couldn't help but smile a little and focus in on the music. Slowly the world around me became quieter, and soon all I could hear was that piano. This brought me back to my Father's green ford pickup, sitting in the passenger seat, undoubtedly on the way to a fishing hole or hunting spot. Even as the doors to the metro closed and we took off, I could hear the piano.

.......

I had just finished doing some grocery shopping after work, my hands were heavy with today's "catch." I crossed the busy street and made my way to my building. Noises of people, cars, and the city surrounded me... yet something creeped into my ear for the second time today. I heard something, through the noise... something that didn't quite fit yet was oddly familiar. Suddenly I realized what it was, and looked up. I looked up to see a flock of Canadian Geese (no they aren't Canadian only because I'm in Canada) in perfect V formation. I don't know why but my heart was filled with glee, as I followed them. Ironically enough they lead me straight home. As my last view of them were framed ironically with roof tops, and one of them belonging to my new abode. They soon disappeared from sight, but not from mind.

I don't live in a perfect world

Sometimes I find myself a bit disconnected, although mostly it's a result of the situations I find myself in. Moving to Montreal four months ago, without knowing a soul up here certainly didn't help this predicament. Yet in college and even high school I never found that I made many truly meaningful connections with people. Sure I had friends, still do, but not many "best friends" and even fewer relationships. I've become comfortable with the notion of being alone, or at least that what I told myself. Moving so far from what's familiar has made me realize that I was wrong... I haven't been alone. For the past four years I've been able to be with someone truly special. There has been ups and downs, but they've always been there. We've been there for each other... some of my happiest memories are with her. The hardest part about all of this has been not being able to see her every day, talk with her, and laugh. I've been lucky though, I've been able to see her off and on, through quick trips back down to Vermont. Although it's likely that it's all about to change, and that I'll see even less of her. There's not many things I fear in this world, I've been able to overcome a lot in the life that I've lived, but one thing scares me to death. I think I'm going to lose her, and that's going to leave a hole inside of me that I'm not sure will ever be the same.

I tell myself to have faith. That something this strong could never go away but I'm not sure what to think. In a perfect world I'd see her with me for the rest of our days... but I don't live in a perfect world. I live in Montreal, and she's about to live far away.

Life is a Puzzle

I really like puzzles... Always have really. They come in many shapes and sizes, and some don't come across as puzzles at all. This is probably why I loved the Myst series so much... I'm a problem solver. I was thinking about thisalot this morning, as I was given a list of bugs to start looking into. I've developed my own sort of routine for this now at Mistic, all with very clear and different steps.

Step One: Translate French...

Step Two: Try to comprehend what's really being asked of me

Step Three: See if the file in question has been edited recently on SVN and if so maybe the file was fine before the revision?

Step Four... well you get the idea :)

I found myself having fun bug checking this morning, it seemed that through my system of checks and balances and "steps" I was isolating problems easily and moving on. Of course the greatest part of any puzzle is solving it in the end. Moments like these remind me that maybe I'm in the right profession for now.

This weekend was one filled with trips to Ikea and assembling our new living room! This struck me as odd too, actually going out and shopping for furniture... then sitting back and enjoying my new living room was just so... "adult."

Benoit's sister just arrived to stay with us for two weeks, which should be an interesting experience I've decided. He said she spoke a littleenglish, but what I've found is that a little english really means none. Luckily though I think my french is improving and I have been able to have some simple conversations with her, but we'll see how this goes :) It's always an adventure for sure...

I don't have too much to write about I guess, but I'll leave with a link that Heather sent me the other day. If anyone has taken the Myers Brigg's personality test you'll know what I'm talking about, but a while ago I took it for school and figured out I was an "ENFJ" (like Heather) which means I'm "Extroverted,iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging," rather than "Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving." Anyways she sent me this link that has a really good discription of ENFJ's and well I thought it was pretty accurate.

Snowball

Sometimes I wonder what I was like as a child. Are you ever curious about what you'd think of yourself if met your younger self? Maybe not, but sometimes I wonder. I feel like I don't really remember as much as I should from my years back home. Sure I've got plenty of stories of the farm and things, but specific things about high school and well school in general feel fleeting at best. I'm sure it's only because so much has happened since then, that sometimes it feels like it's been an eternity since I actually lived there. It's hard not to feel a little bit of a disconnect I think from things in the past... I can't help but feel a little bit of a disconnect in general, it just feels wierd knowing that I haven't really had a constant "home" in quite sometime. Just moved into my new apartment, my third in Montreal, and it's definitely very nice and I'm starting to get settled... I wonder how long I'll actually spend here. Will I be in Montreal in December? Will I be in New Hampshire? Or will I be somewhere completely different? Things have been known to sneak up on me in the past...

I was able to go home for an extended weekend last weekend, and it was really nice to go back. My only connection to that place seems to be my home now, the farm... which is really a farm no longer. I've long since outlived the kayak shop, the bagle shop is under new owners, and really I had no interest in showing my face around the school. So much has changed here, but then again... I've changed too. Although the more I think I've changed and grown, the more I find clues that as a person I haven't changed much. I read a recommendation one of my High school teachers wrote for me, for my college application, describing me... and well it sounded like a lot of it still applied. A friend of mine explained once that we never really lose parts of ourselves, we just add more layers. Like a snowball collecting snow...

I think perhaps I've been focusing too much on this type of thing lately, although it's hard not to be a little introverted at work sometimes, with all of the french being spoken :) While I've picked up quite a bit, I am still relatively in my own head. It's hard not knowing where you'd headed too... There is still so much uncertainty in my life, with minor patches of stability. While I'm confident that I'll be fine, sometimes its hard not knowing what's on the road ahead. Even now I'm not sure how comfortable I should be getting in Montreal, should I be moving my desktop computer up here and start doing my own work on the side? Or would this be just more stuff to move in a few months? Time will tell of course. For now though all is well, I'll just continue living life.

100 blog posts

Hey all,

I can't really have this blog be a normal post because this is actually my 100th blog post since I started blogging April 24th, 2008. Alot has changed for me since then, been to a lot of places, met some amazing people, and grew up a bit more in my own way. Looking into the mirror, in my new apartment in Montreal, I couldn't help but see that I've grown up some... while my past still seems to have left a mark on me. I found it ironic that I wore a jacket that came from "Outback" trading company and that it was definitely a fashion choice influenced by my time on the farm, I wore a threadless t-shirt with some nice graphics on the front which could only be representative of Burlington influences, and then my plad shorts which was undoubtedly the kayak shop. I was thinking that the title of my blog posts do a pretty good job illustrating summerizing the path my life has taken since I started blogging. So I'll leave you with the 100 blog post titles, starting with April 24th, 2008.

A Year's end and Reflection

Digital Now 2008, Day 1

The Start of Digital Now Day 2 -- Digital Now day 2... Post Mortem

A Magical Evening

I am rediculously Lucky... Digital Now day 3

Back in Burlington

A little thing may make a big difference, PA Training day 1

There's no such thing as Survival of the Fittest

Identity? PA Training day 4

It's all in your head... PA training Day 5

Dawning of the rest of my life

To dwell in the past...

The ending has not yet been written...

The extroverted introvert...

Meeting the AA team...

The Pan in me

Lessons from Nature... the Clyde River

Staying the course

Just Jump

I was a happy kid... and continue to be

Take what you can... and jump... hell risk it all

Growing up dulls the fantasy

The changing view of the industry (GIVIT Day 1)

The Journey (GIVIT Day 3)

It's all about the Journey (Post GIVIT)

The Green Light

Green means GO!

Tipping Point

Humbled

Faith

Heroes

Ups and downs

INTERFACE INTERFACE INTERFACE

Awake

Getting back up isn't the hardest part

Changes in latitude, changes in attitude

Cape Town... Day 1

Cape Town... Day 2

Friends... Cape Town Day 3

Cape Town... Day 4

The Rapper, The Soccer Player, and Me... Cape Town Day 5

Cape Town day 6&7

Disconnected

Not quite re-adjusted but getting there

We're responsible for what we create

Not making the cut...

Under Pressure

Douglas Knee Sr... My Grandfather

Today it rained...

I'm getting really good at barely gettin by

Seeing others where I began

I'm in a hurry to get things done

MIGS!

Ghost of Wes's Future... MIGS Post Mortem

Vicarious Visions

It's an odd feeling getting older

Wanderlust

Canyon

Canyon: People keep talking!!

Seeing the Finish Line

Maya

Depart not from the Path

Spring break!

So close to the end

A sense of Belonging, GDC Post Mortem

Light at the end of the Tunnel

Beta

Updating Art!

Remembering Africa

The Righteous

Demo Reel!

Website Update!

Last Class.... ever

The next Chapter

Next Steps...

Ready to move on...

A rough start...

Adjusting... Montreal Day 3

Welcome to Mistic!

In my Shoes...

Eleven days in...

Identity

Roads less traveled

On the inside looking out

Guilt

Routine

Fireworks

Shoes

MYST MOVIE?!?!

I'm still Alive

Friendly Faces

Apartment Search Continues

Laser Quest

Censorship

Books

Two Worlds Colliding

100 blog posts!

Thanks to everyone who's been on the journey with me thus far and continue to be! If you'd like to check out some of these older posts they are best viewed at my original blog location wesknee.blogspot.com

To 100 more!

Two Worlds Colliding

Yesterday I had the opportunity to meet up with a friend of mine, Heather and her boyfriend Nick. Two good friends of mine from Champlain, hell Heather and I even went to Africa together! She moved up to Montreal earlier this week, because she's going to be studying up here for the semester. I had been pretty excited that her and some other people from Burlington would be making their way up to Montreal. Although it really didn't hit me how awesome it is until last night. I had been a little jealous of Benoit, some of his friends had begun arriving from France to study and suddenly he had a small group of friends where I still had none. Being able to hang out with them last night was the start of what can only be a really great fall/winter.

I couldn't help but laugh and appreciate Heather's awe that she took in while we walked some of the city last night, I have been here for almost four months now and still this place remains big for me... I'm ok with this. Although I've become used to Montreal, I'd rather keep it with a sense of awe. While walking we bumped into Keith (another friend of mine from Champlain), and for me it was SO cool! To actually bump into someone I know in Montreal! Not to mention it had been so long since I had seen Keith, it was just very cool to have randomly bumped into him.

As I was saying good bye to Heather and Nick last night, it really occurred to him how strange it felt seeing them in this environment. Just so far removed from what we've been used to in Burlington, to Montreal where I've been living for some time now. Last night was definitely an indication that some things would be changing for me in Montreal, between moving and friends arriving... it's like a whole new chapter in my "Canadian Adventure." I'm hoping at some point to integrate some of my Burlington friends with Benoit's France friends, which could make a pretty interesting group I think :)

Anyways it's a very welcomed familiarity in a place that has been pretty foreign. Which leaves me to wonder who might be arriving the Spring semester, and if after wards I'll see more friends in Montreal who will be getting jobs too. I could easily see a small Champlain community growing up here, and just how wonderful that would be.

(ps if your wondering about the picture on the top... I just thought it was cool hehe)

Books

I went for a walk last night... it could have been for many reasons but in all reality it was because my room was too hot, filled with a few french people, there was lots of wii... which I've sort of become bitter against after playing with a very competitive Benoit.

As I walked I couldn't help but take in the people around me, as always really. This is something that I sort of enjoy in my daily routine, although I've begun to notice how perhaps it's a bit more of an oddity to take such close not of the people around me, as I've begun to question and share my observations with Benoit. I may ask him what he thought about one person, or did you notice "blah blah blah." Inevitably every time he hasn't and coins it up to me being a fruity artist. Although I'd like to think it's just because I'm observant but I guess being an artist has something to do with.

I found myself in a book store, a good place to be considering I just finished another book this summer. Going into the store I wasn't sure what I was looking for... Walking around I couldn't help but make many stops and continued to look at different covers or brief quotes inside some of the books. I really like books... I don't really know why... probably something to do with a subconscious Myst fascination but I've always liked books. While I do read some, I'm not as heavy a reader as some I think.

It's funny how sometimes a book can remind you of people. I inevitably ended up in the art section, (I wonder why) and I couldn't help but take in as much as I could. At first I picked up a book with all old photography and mainly photography of Western Native Americans, and I couldn't help but think of the adventures I've had with my Parents in Arizona. I found another book about business card design, and thought of Ken Howell who spent so much time trying to help me with mine. Then I found another book, with a picture of a young girl's face (who was obviously from a third world nation). I was drawn to the book and began flipping through, pages upon pages of child's faces from impoverished areas. Looking into their eyes and seeing their faces, they were so familiar to me... and in that moment I was brought back to Africa. I can remember it as clear as day sometimes, and one of my brightest memories is of their smiling faces. I had to hold back a tear, a feeling of remorse and a feeling of regret of having to leave the EMC behind. I couldn't help but think of Ann and their continued mission. I never could shake the feeling I was doing some real good there. Seeing some of their latest art too makes me feel jealous of not being among them still. If you haven't checked out their blog, be sure to do so.

Anyways I had to continue on my journey, and I stumbled upon this cover...

I couldn't help but be immediately intrigued... I've read a few pages thus far and so far it's really good. It's sort of fun in a first person perspective of this 12 year old boy who is trying to figure out the world around him. He continues to have side comments about most of his thoughts, which might make it feel like his thoughts are scattered and all over the place... but I really enjoy it. Sort of feels familiar =P

Anyways lunch break is over... back to work!

Censorship

So I've been thinking a lot lately about video games and the impact they have and potentially could have in the future. I've talked quite a bit in the past about my hopes for video games and interactive applications for the future, mainly in the form of education. While I'm very hopeful, video games still seem to have a lot to overcome before it seems as though they can prove themselves in the eyes of many. Video games have definitely begun to proliferate more of today's markets, but there still seems to be a negative stigma surrounding video games. Of course this debate has gone on for years, but we're starting to see some serious infringements on human rights as a direct result of video game stereotyping.

Sure in school we talked about governmental restrictions on video games, and the topic that came up most of the time was Germany's restrictions on blood and gore in video games. I've begun to hear more interesting reports coming from China and their fight against video games. There are actually video game addiction camps that children are being sent to, to "cure" them of video game addiction. While I'm not saying that there’s such a thing as video game addiction, things like "Shock Treatment" for video game addicts seems to go a little over the top in my opinion. Luckily for Chinese WoW addicts, this practice has stopped, but these camps are still being used and are potentially more brutal then ever. There has been the first reported death of a student enrolled in one of these camps to cure his video game addiction. According to the report the student was beaten to death by the camp supervisors, for running too slowly. While the camp claims “Our methods are tough but do not include torture or other methods that might damage a child’s health," post mortem reports of the boy's body finds that at one point the boy had been handcuffed.

China has gone further on their infringement of human rights by banning certain online games that "glamorizes gangs." Although I can't help but feel as though the individuals who might actually be in Chinese gangs, are more then likely not partaking in online gang warfare but I could be wrong. Even if your not a gamer you might think that some of these things may not effect you, but China has gone as far as threatening jail time for "dirty" text messages. So just in case you were wondering, big brother is most definitely reading your text messages and deciding on jail time depending on what language you might be using. Jail time might include up to five days for one text message or up to ten for three. This sort of thinking is extremely dangerous for not only the future of human rights but the way we perceive technology in the future. Just as we're beginning to see new and evolving emergent media, we also witness new forms of discrimination against it.

China isn't an isolated incident either, Germany is another country that has been well known for it's crack down on video games. With it's recent run of anti-game laws that are looking to get passed, game companies are feeling pressured to relocate out of Germany. I thought it was best put here...

"A ban on action games in Germany is concerning us because it is essentially like banning the German artists that create them.If the German creative community can’t effectively participate in one of the most important cultural mediums of our future, we will be forced to relocate to other countries.

The current political discussion will deprive German talent of its place on the global game development stage, and deprive German consumers of entertainment that is considered safe and fun around the world."

Companies like Crytek have an unstable future as a result of these new measures being set in place by the German government. Ironically enough Germany has become the top game market in Europe... This year's GDC Europe is even being held in Cologne, Germany, where game developers are speaking out to gamers attending the conference; asking them to help support petitions against these laws.

So I know I don't typically blog about these sorts of things, but I find a lot of this pretty troubling. Yet I guess I could be named a hypocrite for saying that I believe in the positive impacts of video games, and disregard what is being said about the negative impacts. For what it's worth I still believe in the human mind and subconscious, I don't believe that video games make us more prone to reenact what we do in the virtual environment. While I agree that there are plenty of irresponsible games out there, and irresponsible parents who let their children play them, I don't believe that video games make us more aggressive or violent then we already are. I don't really have much more to say on this topic right now, I just felt as like sharing some of this information for others to maybe start thinking about too. Maybe I'll have more to post on this later, but for now I'll let you draw your own conclusions... I've certainly been left wondering about the future.

Laser Quest

A week ago, roughly, I received another inhouse e-mail in french at work. As I skimmed the words, picking out common words that I've begun to pick up, I was still lost until I came across two words in particular... "Laser Quest." Immediately I replied to the e-mail saying, I'm not exactly sure what this all means but I can read Laser Quest and I'm totally in!!

Luckily for me it was a night of laser quest for the employees of Mistic with a dinner afterwards. I have to say this was SO much fun, I had been looking forward to this since I got this e-mail. This afternoon when we arrived everyone had no problem smack talking each other , and as always they had no problem singling me out as the "American." As always I take it, with a grin and a smile, not shameful of where I come from. Yet after the first game, there was a lot less smack talking as I had the top score out of everybody. I couldn't help but laugh and tell them that they really shouldn't mess with Americans haha ...

Although I had a good time crushing my co-workers, that's not my reasoning for blogging tonight. Really it's because tonight I was able to talk to some more people and even some of the programmers who had never spoke to me attempted to talk to me in english , which I think is a big step. There are many people who don't talk to me at work, and I think it could be for several reasons but one of them being that they don't feel comfortable speaking English. A few tonight even started talking to me in french, which I could only smile and nod, and try to understand the conversation. I'm really starting to feel a camaraderie with the people I work with, and I can honestly say that I've really valued my time with them thus far.

A side note, I was talking with one of the artists tonight and he was telling me about his cousin who spent most of her life living inHong Kong, and how when she was 19 she went to a more rural area outside of Hong Kong. He was explaining to me that she had never really seen a sunset or the stars until this trip. I find this so strange and sort of sad... I spent my childhood outside, in the woods, enjoying nature in it'spleasantries . I can't help but really miss both New Hampshire and Vermont because of this. Although I will say that one of the most amazing skies I ever saw was when I was in Arizona. My folks are out there right now enjoying their new place, I'm severely jealous that I'm not out there with them! Someday I will have a nice place, and I will be able to see the stars.

One last thought! I recently had a conversation with a lady writing an article for a Vermont based website, as soon as I know I'll post it for sure, but she was writing about "young people's" perspectives on gaming industry and where it's headed. It almost felt automatic answering her questions, it's funny sometimes I don't think I really have many opinions about things but I guess I really do. I really do believe that the lines between "video games" and "interactive tools" will begin to be blurred, and these sorts of tools are going to proliferate the market. If you know me at all you know my stances on education, and so I won't get into that. I'm not sure really what I mean to say right now but it's exciting to feel at the cusp of it. Perhaps I'm not but as a young person who is just starting in the industry I hope to have some influence on some aspect of it in the future. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing, or where, but somehow I just know that whatever it is it will be interesting... and hopefully help people's lives for the better. Another thing I can see is Champlain Students starting to head the medium and the industry in new directions, yes you may take this as just me boasting my college again but really... Champlain students are sort of a different breed. I think it's going to be interesting as more alumni begin to enter the market, which I'm sure many of them will. I'm also hoping that in the future I'll be in a position to maybe help some of them get on their feet professionally, of course this is coming from someone who still isn't quite on their own feet yet either haha.

Anyways I'll end it with that... Benoit and I have signed for a new apartment today, we're having a meeting with the landlord tomorrow and hopefully this will be a done deal. My third apartment in Montreal should be the best one thus far I think haha.

Apartment Search Continues!

So remember that apartment I blogged about yesterday? Well unfortunately we didn't get it, due to the fact that the landlord wanted this young couple to live there instead of two foreign guys.... sigh... The apartment search continues! For those of you who haven't been following this will be my third apartment in Montreal...

Friendly Faces

I had the pleasure last weekend to spend some time back in Burlington. Being there made me realize just how attached I had grown to both Burlington and it's people over the past few years. While I'm enjoying Montreal, to me it will never be Burlington.

The main thing for me was actually being able to spend some time with people that I haven't seen since I started work. I keep forgetting that I've only been in Montreal for two months but it feels like ages, and so much has passed. I tried my best to tell stories, and "get them up to date" but really I'm sure there is so much I missed. I feel pretty bad that I haven't kept in better contact with people, but it did feel great being around them again. For me it was great to hear how they were doing, and just news of my fellow classmates in general. I've heard NOTHING while I've been up here and I can't help but be really interested in how everyone else is doing. It was pretty interesting to get back into some EMC talk, I can't help but really miss being there.

I've been able to keep up with a few people who I graduated with, one in particular quite often, and it really sucks to hear about their job hunting woes. Theres one artist in particular who is just incredibly talented in my opinion and he's yet to find something. All of this makes me more thankful to have found Mistic when I did. Although I have felt sort of strained and... well sort of removed in a way... It's hard because sometimes I wonder if I jumped into things too fast. I worked really hard in school, I graduated, and didn't give myself anytime before I started working. I miss home and being able to spend ample time with my friends... Yet I know if I had chose not to start work or if I hadn't found Mistic, I probably would have felt pretty miserable.

Talking to some of my friends about their plans for their Senior year at Champlain and others, I'm brought back to a blog post I made a few weeks ago called "guilt." I see a few doing some of the things I did and over burdening themselves, and I get nervous for them... Really these are some of the most talented people and I would hate to see them struggle to produce quality work for every project that they are apart of. While I wouldn't give up any aspect of my Senior year, it was the most troubling time for me. It was the hardest on me both emotionally and mentally, and while I'm a better person because of it, I wouldn't wish the same on other people. Slowing down has been good for me... but sometimes I do miss running.

Seeing people this weekend only made me want to return to Burlington every weekend haha, but luckily for me some of them will be studying in Montreal in the fall. Which I'm super excited about! Also we've found a new apartment for September and it's really nice! I can't wait to move and I really can't wait for people to visit me!

Anyways back to the daily grind =P

I'm still Alive

So it's been an interesting week and a half... At the beginning of last week I started to develop what I thought was a minor cold. The glands in my neck swelled up, but really the rest of me felt fine, no fever, no sore throat, no nothing... Needless to say I was a little concerned but there wasn't much to do so I tried to get more rest, have more vitamin C or whatever. Got through the week but by the end my neck was pretty swollen and it had begun to hurt a little to swollow. Managed to make it home on Friday though, and enjoyed an AWESOME weekend with the folks. Since I had only one symptom, I decided it was safe enough to go out and do stuff and so I managed to get out Kayaking for the first time this year on Saterday. Certainly made me miss a lot of things about back home, one of them being the kayak shop. So after a beutiful day, I discovered I had quite the sun burn... because you know me... I'm not one to put on sun tan lotion. Sunday was a nice day chilling at home, watching horrible class B sci-fi movies with Mom. Although for whatever reason the Sci-Fi channel changed their name to syfy since I've been away... which I find odd... Luckily though my neck was starting to get better before my drive back on Sunday.

Monday though my sun burn was in full swing, with the itchiest sun burn that I think I ever had. Concentration at work was SOOO hard... This took my mind off my throat for the time being. I had another itchy day yesterday, and a bit of a sleepless night because of it. Today though is the first time in a while that I feel moderately normal! Neck swelling is gone, I can actually touch my back again, and yea feeling pretty good! I was finding it pretty ironic for a while that if it wasn't one thing it was another... Now I'm pretty sure I have some intense peeling to look forward to... awesome =P

On a happier note, it sounds like I'll be in Burlington this weekend and I'm super excited!

That's all for now!

MYST Movie?!?!

So I have to take a moment out of my day to share this news. Apparently there might be work on a movie based off of the Myst Book, "The Book of Ti'Anna." I have always been a HUGE fan of Myst and the books were awesome. I couldn't be more excited!!

Check it out!

Since we're on the topic of movies I feel like I should also mention my excitement for the movie "The Road," that is based off of and awesome book by Cormac McCarthy. The Trailer looks epic... and it has Aragorn

Shoes

Lately I've been thinking about shoes... this is likely due to my recent escapade to try to find myself a pair. Once I found a store and started looking... there were many shoes that I considered to be cool but weren't what I'd call "Wesley." That got me thinking... what sort of shoe does say "Wesley?" In fact do we pick shoes which reflect who we are or how we think, or are we this way due to the shoes we buy. As I searched I inevitably did find a pair that seemed Wesley enough, and I purchased them. Since then I've begun looking more closely at what people wear for shoes, something that I had never really had much interest in. I've decided you can tell a lot about a person from their shoes, a seemingly innocent piece of clothing. Of course I could be inferring a lot when I start making snap judgments about people based on their choice of footwear... but it's still interesting to see who is wearing what nonetheless.

I see alot of different styles and fashions as I peruse this city, if you haven't guessed by now I enjoy people watching. It's interesting to take in not only what people wear, but also how they act. Not being fluent in French, I don't typically know what they might be saying but according to their tone you usually can pick up alot . There are moments where I can't help but chuckle a little when I see someone, these people are typically those who may be wearing their just off to the side enough to be cool, wife beater, and a little too much bling . We can get so caught up in consumerism sometimes... If only I had a coach bag, matching shoes, and of course Oakley glasses. The more money we wear the cooler we might be... now I might be a hypocrite for saying these things, sure there are times where I really like an expensive jacket or article of clothing. Yet I don't think I get as caught up into all of it, in many cases I'm pretty stingy. I saw a teenager the other day, amongst some of his friends, visibly self conscious about not only his looks but how he stood, laughed, and where he looked. I think I used to be him, and sometimes still am that way. Worrying about what I look like, nervous about not saying the wrong thing or just looking stupid. Maybe this is just breeding out of old high school popularity-aphobia. Now I'm just ranting and rambling... but your still reading so maybe I'll continue.

In life we can always encounter certain types or groups of people we can stereotype into smaller categories, so it's easier for us to assume who they are. It starts in high school and continues on from there; Jocks, Geeks, Preps, Emo, Goth, Punk, I dunno I'm sure there are a billion other. What strikes me is how easily they are able to spot at times, based on their appearance... sure I'm sure it's their own preferences for clothing, which somewhere along the line starts to define the entire group. Almost like me wearing a big sign on my back that says "Geek/Farmer/ugh no wait Kayaker" on my back. Since high school I don't think I've ever really fully fit into a category, and I pride myself for it. Yet when I think about the clothes I wear, I guess I sort of wear skater clothes... but don't really skate board... Guess that makes me a "Poser."

There really isn't much of a point of this blog post, other than just sort of a brain dump of thoughts I've been thinking about lately. Perhaps I am saying something though about commercialism and stereotypes... ugh... ignore both! Good lesson for today!

Fireworks

I looked up in wonder and awe… and yet I wondered how many times had I actually witnessed fireworks? I had seen fireworks since I was very young, hell it’s an American past time! I remember seeing them as a child in Sandwich, again actually with music at Universal Studios as with my parents, I remember watching them out over the water at Disney last year with Ann, Sarah, and Lauren (On Lauren’s Birthday), and now here in Montreal I stood in awe of the big bright lights and explosions. I couldn’t help but consider how really all that fireworks were, were highly complicated particle emiters, and even had a moment of contemplation about how I might be able to recreate fireworks pretty easy maybe… then Benoit got mad at me about thinking about work… So I focused again on the present. I felt like a kid again, and could feel goosebumps ripple my skin. Then my eyes wandered to a young boy looking up in awe just as I was, he couldn’t control his little feet and hands from shaking in joy… and I could relate… Although I had 22 years to find ways of controlling such outward emotional marks haha but I felt as he did… in wonder of the world. As I sat back and admired another artists work, I began to think about my own. I think I’ve started to become too comfortable, going to work, coming home, going to work… Watching the fireworks made me remember why I wanted to become an artist in the first place. I want to cause the same sort of excitement, the same sort of emotion that this little boy was feeling at that very moment. But what am I to do? Will I start an animation that I’ve been thinking about? A new character perhaps? But resounding from deep within myself, an answer came easily… I need to start writing again. I need to finish what I started five years ago… I need to tell my story. A story that when I think about, I get goosebumps… every time. A story that I have so carefully crafted in my head, and have enjoyed so many times in the quiet corners of my mind. I need to share it…

Afterwards I had an interesting conversation with a friend. She argued that the reason that so many people were so unsuccessful, was due to a deeper subconscious doubt that everyone held inside themselves. Sure we all want to do well and be successful, but when we might not even know it, there is a bit of us inside that thinks that it isn’t possible. Little did she know, and I wasn’t about to share it because I couldn’t get two words into the conversation haha, she was talking again about a self fullfilling prophecy. Thinking about this, I know exactly what she means, but the results for me has been somewhat different. There have been many moments in my life that for whatever reason, I felt a cold hard resolve that knew… positively, that whatever goal I had just set for my self… I would complete it. It was always a strange feeling really, to know absolutely that yes! I will accomplish this. Conversely I have had moments where I wanted something to happen, but deep down inside part of me knew it wouldn’t… and guess what? It didn’t…

I’m remembering this feeling again… and for whatever reason I can’t help but feel like this story could be something special. Maybe that just means for me, maybe it means the same for others? Who knows? This is something that won’t be completed swiftly. No, this is something that needs to be nurtured and grown properly. The seed has been planted for a long time though, and leaves have begun to sprout… It’s time for it to bear fruit.

Routine

There's not a whole lot to write about right now... I seem to be living life, living up to a new found "routine." The funny thing is, that is one thing that has been lacking for quite some time now, some sense of normality and routine. I think in a funny little way I'm happy to have found it once again... I get up, go to work, do my thing, have lunch, finish up the day, go home, go to the gym maybe, and then chill with the roommates. I've been feeling a bit more relaxed I think, becoming more comfortable talking to my foreign companions on a daily basis. I also think my French is improving which helps.

While there are times where I wonder if I'm doing well at work, I have no real reason to think that I'm not doing well right now. I've discovered what's really missing from my working life is a real artist critique like I had been used to having at Champlain. Where we would pick ever little detail apart and decide what are good aspects and what are not. I haven't really got that here, I'm just typically told when they like something and when to change a part of it. It's a bit different but I also think it's because English isn't their first language, and with a limited vocabulary it can be hard sometimes. So I can't help but think that if I wasn't doing well I would have been told by now I think...

It's been sort of fun having a little extra time now and then, I was actually able to complete a book the other day and start on a new one. If you know me at all you know my mind never really stops going so I've also been thinking a lot about a story I've been meaning to write. While I haven't had a lot of time to commit to it, I had worked on the beginning a little while back. I think I'm going to end this post with the first paragraph (because I really like it hehe), let me know what you think and if you want to know more you know how to reach me =)

Peace!

(and let it be known that if this is owned and created by Wesley Knee and don't try to steal it... I'll find you...)

_________________________

They say that the first lines of any story, gives the reader an insight into the rest of the book. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," "It is truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife," "Call me Ismael..."I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression of my story. This is no epic, no guaranteed happy endings, the boy won't find the girl, and this is certainly no bedtime story. I can only promise you my story, told through my eyes, and therefor equally jaded... be sure to take that under consideration if you chose to read on. I've been called a great many things in my short life; brother, student, friend, thief, beggar, coward, orphan... although many titles have been passed my way there is one thing I can say for certain... I am a lost boy.

Guilt

I just had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine, which made me really think a lot about… Well the degree program I attended the students in my degree. I can’t help but really want to write this right now, and while I’m positive there are those who won’t agree with me, this isn’t about changing opinions. Perhaps these are just some of the notes of my experiences and thoughts on students, what we give, and even sacrifice for.

It’s so hard not to be a little bit competitive, but that’s healthy right? Of course it is, it makes us all better… We look to our classmates, see what they are doing, and we want to improve. No we must improve if we want to have any chance at a future. That’s what it’s all about right? We can speak about how much we might want to change things, or what we might want to “do.” The end game is always the same… getting that job. If we aren’t the best, or close to it… what chance do we have in the world today? So it eats at you, gnaws at a fresh wound from your last critique. You put in more hours, you take on more projects, because it all looks good on the resume. You sleep less, study more, and sure things certainly do improve. It’s all about the resume, and in the end your senior portfolio… the very thing that you can show to the world and proclaim “I am open for business!”

We do these things but at what cost? We might not even realize it but at times we start to lose a little bit of ourselves. We become paranoid with guilt, and diluted in thoughts of grandeur. It’s the guilt that gets to us… It’s almost like some sort of strange addiction to our work. If we’re away from it, we feel guilty; almost as if we will slip behind and get lost in mediocrity. We can’t take nights off, mornings, it’s even a joke to think you might actually take a day! To take a day off is almost like a distend dream, but something you have no real desire to grasp at that moment because you know… You know what you’ll find waiting for you at the beginning of that day… guilt. Then that day will be like every other.

What will it have been for in the end? Four years lost in a blur of study and late nights as you try to focus on your monitor? Perhaps… I felt myself getting lost once. In fact I was lost, and perhaps in some demented way still am. Work and school was my life, and there could be no other mistress other than Maya… What was I to expect though? I was “Wesley Knee” and I had to keep up appearances. Take this as you will but it’d be silly of me not to recognize that I was a role model for some, and while this filled me with pride. It also helped feed the guilt. It certainly came to a point where I wasn’t sure who I’d be without my reputation, maybe ironic that even in College peer pressure seems to seep into our lives.

I consider myself lucky, I had a friend… a really good friend who made me feel equally as guilty if I didn’t see her either. She helped me some of the way out of the hole that I was in, and helped me stay sane. While I never truly left the hole, which was in some ways was it’s own form of depression, she continued to teach me how to have fun… even take time for myself a little. It helped force me to become really good at managing my time, while I was still a workaholic, I had to schedule in time for her too. Now when I look back at College, I am sure to think fondly of all of my hard work, but even more so of the fun times I had with her. If I were to give any advice to those still in that degree program, I might say that while you need to work hard, you need to schedule time for her too… no matter who or what she is.

I get concerned sometimes, because I can see the same sort of depression in others… the guilt… the “Dark Passenger” whose always there telling you that you are not good enough, you must work harder, and is always there to remind you when you are away from your work. We get stuck in this sort of “mode” and we just become animated machines, we give our souls to our school work and equally as much to the EMC. This is all supposed to be fun right? Hell we’re working on video games! There is a point though were it stops being fun and becomes a lot more about the work it’s self. I consider myself lucky to have my friend who helped me through this, I hope that others won’t give up too much of themselves. I was like you too, still am in many ways, but hope you can find your peace in some way. While our minds go a mile a minute, sometimes we just need time to sort it all out… even if we are feeling the weight of the world… or perhaps just the UN.

If your wondering, then yes… perhaps I am still a bit bitter about somethings. Although I won’t dwell in the past, because right now the present is much more interesting.

~I hope anyone who reads this doesn’t take this post too negatively… this was just something I had to get off my chest~

On the inside looking out...

I find it ironic really... small town kid. Born from farmers and taught to enjoy rural America... Grows to find himself in very unlikely situations. At what point did Wesley, farmer kayaker boy, become Wesley, international 3D Artist. Perhaps I wonder more when this whole "international" bit started playing into my life. Perhaps it started my Senior year of high school, with a German friend who I affectionately refer to as Hanz. I thought it was crazy when I actually went to Germany to visit him in 2005... sort of funny now considering I've now traveled as far as South Africa. I find it ironic (I find irony and many things lately apparently) that in my Senior "Government and Economics" class (in high school), we had this project that we had to find a possible job that we might hold in the future. We then had to calculate how much we might earn and spend, on everything from rent to food. At the time I thought I'd go above and beyond and find myself a job in Montreal... It's funny thinking that five years later and I'm there. Almost a sort of a self prescribed destiny...


I find myself working in a studio with mostly french speaking people (Persian or Quebequa), living in a foreign country, and living with two guys from France. There are times I have to wonder how the hell do I get myself into this... situations. I'm not really complaining mind you, apparently I'm all for new cultural experiences. Yet this is all very exhausting at times. Communication seems to be my hardest point lately, and while I'm finding ways of discussing with my roommates... sometimes it feels strained.


I spent my first weekend with my two new roomies, who I do refer to as my "Frenchies" behind their back. They are definitely very nice, and it was interesting meeting some of their friends that they have in Montreal. It's an odd feeling being the "American"... An odder feeling not being bi-lingual like everyone else. I try my best to stay engaged, and even harder to listen to french constantly. Yet there are certainly times where I feel as though I'm on the outside looking in. Perhaps that's not quite right though... in all reality I'm on the inside looking out. Inside my head, the last corner of comfort at times, peering out into a world that can be very foreign to me. I continue to try to understand, both the culture and the language. If you know me at all, you'll know that I'll survive just fine. Sometimes being inside your head is the best place to be.

Roads less traveled

I dug my fingers into the soil, searching for a better grip. I could feel the grit reaching up underneath my nails and I took hold of the loose earth. My calves quivered under the strain, and my feet slid slowly on the soft ground. I wiped my brow, reached for another hand hold, and new positioning for my feet. This time a rock would hold my grip... I felt a little better about my current placement. I took a moment to catch my breath, and I looked back down the way I came. I couldn't help but laugh a little...

"Why did you choose to go this way Wes?" I had to ask myself... but I knew the answer. I had grown tired of the nicely groomed trails, all with benches to rest on every few hundred feet and... well... people. I found it sort of silly that if I was going to climb a mountain, the way before me would be paved. I found this "trail" off to the side of the paved on, and I couldn't resist. This was a bit more like what I was used to.

I swung myself up higher, this time finding a root of a tree to hold onto. Sure it didn't help that I was a little bit frustrated this afternoon. My plans for the evening, which included me being social for once, had fallen through and I found myself alone once more looking for some way to pass the time. Why not go hike a mountain alone, find a sketchy trail that goes straight to vertical, haven not drunk water all day and refusing to bring more, but not to worry... I brought a camera. Mom would be proud.

It felt nice to be outside "in the woods." As far outside as I could be anyways in my current position. There was a faint breeze, and I'd try to capture as much of it as I could to cool me down. It was probably the first really hot day for me in Montreal, and my mind instantly went to a lake and a kayak. Unfortunately such things are but day dreams now, or perhaps something to drive to on the weekends.

I pulled myself up, I had finally reached the top... of this little hill anyways. Feeling accomplished I continued on some rocks, to what looked to be a clearing through the trees. As I hiked up higher I couldn't help but think that if I was homeless, this would be where I would go. At that moment I looked up to find a shadowed hole underneath a fallen boulder. I waited a moment, hoping my eyes would re-adjust just enough for me to make out what or who might be inside. No such luck though... Normally I'd be concerned about finding a bear or other woodland creature, but not so much here. Instead I was a little concerned about finding a person. Is it weird if I preferred a bear?

I had to make my way past the hole, and as I got closer, finally I could see a bit inside. It was empty of course; spare some garbage and maybe something used for bedding. Perhaps someone else got the same idea of where to stay. I couldn't let my apartment hunting woes get the best of me; I shook the thought out and continued upward.

I was feeling pretty accomplished at this point, with all of this city walking, and poor diet, I've begun to lose a little weight. This short hike was actually pretty easy; ignore the part where I hiked up the cliff face. I could see now that I was almost to the clearing; a breeze picked up and welcomed me as I made it out. I wasn't at the top, but it was close enough for me and well... I'm pretty sure there would be plenty of others at the top and this place had some seclusion to it. I was rewarded with a terrific view of the city, I smiled and pulled the camera out from around my neck. "This will be an excellent picture for my blog," i thought to myself... lame I know.

Sure enough I turned on the camera, only for it to inform me that the batteries were dead. There was a bit of cold irony to it, to the day in general. I laughed, what else was I to expect? Something to go my way? I realized then that this moment and this view would have to be mine alone. I took it in and appreciated it... I couldn't help but be a little sad that I couldn't seem to escape the sounds of people. Yet I had been able to escape people for at least a little while. Don't get me wrong, this may sound as though I'm pretty miserable. Quite the contrary, there are many things that are going well for me right now... mostly work. My social life could use a little tweaking but I think this is soon to change.

I used my shirt to whipe away the sweat from my brow and face. It was time to head back down the mountain and back to civilization... back to my life as it stands now.

Identity

My eyes drifted to the clock. I was anxious and couldn't wait for the end of the day... and then it came. Five O'clock Friday afternoon came and I was ready to leave work for the weekend. Today was different, I had something to look forward to... I had somewhere to go. I said myau revoirs to my co workers, as they chuckled at my anxiousness and my large bag I had slung over my shoulder. I was so eager I passed right by the stair well, laughing at my forgetfulness I went down and exited the building. It was sunny, ironically after all this rain the day that I had to be somewhere the sky opened up and smiled. I smiled back and went along my way.

It was a bit more awkward squeezing by the ticket terminal and finding my place on the metro. I was lugging a large army bag my Mom had given me to use since college. This bag seemed to have no bottom and I could fill it with anything, today though it was dirty laundry. With me, of course, I also carried my man bag. Inside this I kept items I felt I might need for work, and today two extraxbox controllers . I'm fairly certain I looked goofy, as I stood, smiling with my luggage... waiting for my stop. Which was a bit further today than usual.

I took a moment, and studied those who rode the train with me... as I usually did. Noticed the slight changes in types of passengers as we went further out of the areas I was used to traversing. One lady in particular made me extremely curious. She sat across from me, hair done up, holding her bag under red painted nails. Her face looked a little distressed, but with held at the same time. It's really quite amazing how much we can give off about what we are thinking by just our faces. I'm used to watching people practically want to sing along to their music, or watch their expressions change as an epic moment happens in their books. This lady though, she was in her own world today. I noticed several times she straighten her fingers, swayed them lightly, and shook her head,almost to say "No" or "That's it, I'm done." Of course I have no clue what was troubling her, but as much as she tried to hide he... she wasn't doing a very good job. I hope that perhaps she's well now.

I left the metro, and walked back out into the sun. My smile returned as I remembered my destination. At first I was a little turned around, as this was only my second time coming in to this station. I got my barrings though and lugged my self and my luggage along with me as I headed towards a football field. I passed briefly inside the gates, and noticed the set of apartment buildings where I knew I had been before... Then there it was. My smile was unmistakable now, the hair raised up on my forearms, and goose bumps rippled my skin. Grass had started to grow around the tires, but Jarvis was right where I left him. It was almost like seeing an old friend, and finding that both your friend and your friendship hadn't changed one bit. I got in, set up Tom, myiTouch... My hands grabbed around the bumpy steering wheel cover, some bumps now missing, but I still find plenty of character in this car. As I started the car, and adorned my sun glasses, I couldn't help but whisper "Hello." A greeting to an old friend... a representative from a previous life... and then we were off.

As silly as this might sound but while there were many things I was looking forward to, Grandma's cookies ranked pretty high on the list... as ironic as that sounds. It took me quite sometime to get out of the city, but it felt good once I was. The environment opened up and I could see green all around. Open farm fields that reminded me of a time where cows were not a foreign creature by any stretch of the imagination. I practically felt giddy as I began to see the flat land scape start rolling up into hills and finally mountains... I was going home. Only not quite home home, but home to New Hampshire and some family.

I've come to realize that in most times in my life I seem to maintain a duality inside myself. Two parts of me that make up the whole, but twoseparate identities nonetheless. In college it was sort of like my "gamer" side and my "Residential Assistant/Peer Adviser" side. People would know me as one side or the other, and I could be recognized for each and separate identity. I found it strange yet sort of fun. Keep in mind though that these two identities aren't ones that compete with one another, but rather they learn to live symbiotically witheachother. This still hasn't left me... The identities I find now are of my past life and my current one. Neither compete, but both come together to make up the whole... to make up me. It had been a while since I had been able to be my other half, and well... going away made me realize that it was still there and that I needed it... even missed it.

While it was sad leaving on Sunday, knowing it may be some time since I can play with that part of my life again I knew I had to return. This is who I am now, but I'll always be the Farmer, Grandson, Cousin, and Son that I've always been.

Eleven days in...

Today is my eleventh day in Montreal. I've started to develop a bit of a routine, but have yet to feel settled. It's hard knowing that I'll be moving again at the end of the month, harder still that I'm nervous about making a good impression... hoping that perhaps this won't end in December.
I'm feeling better about work, I was already really happy with the environment don't get me wrong, this is more of I'm feeling better about myself at work. I seem to be picking up 3Ds fairly well, I think it's more of the implementation that has got me worried. I've been doing just some busy work lately, but I'm definitely ok with it... It makes me feel productive... Like I'm actually contributing.

I won't lie, I've been feeling a bit lonely as of late... but I knew this was going to happen. It will all get better but for now I'm sort of alone. I'm not focusing on it though, I'm trying to give this place a chance. It's got potential, I just gotta meet some people maybe...

I will tell you one thing that's bothering me, the amount of homeless people. It's so hard because it not only happens all the time, but to walk by and not acknowledge a person just feels sort of wrong. For some reason I can't help but think of that boy in Langa (I think) who asked me for money. It makes me wonder about these people, do they have families somewhere? What is their story? Do you ever think that you might have met or known someone who might end up like that? Who knows? Not I, but I sure do think a lot.

Well this is just another night in for me... at least I brought my xbox =)

Later!

In my Shoes...

I wake... my room is freezing. Making it incredibly hard to remove myself from my covers, and yet the beeping alarm on my watch beacons and reminds me that I have work to do. I stumble out of bed, grab some clothes that might be good to wear for the day and head for the shower. I tip toe around as I am the first to wake, why am I afraid to wake my roommates when I hardly know them? Well... wouldn't you be? I fumble the nosel on the shower, still sleepy and confused I always seem to have a hard time managing to get the water warm. Eventually my brain kicks in to remind me that the cold and the hot water faucets are backwards...

Once dressed I make one more check of my laptop before convincing myself that I'll be late if I don't leave right that moment. I put on my head phones before I'm out the door, familiar music seems to make the walk that much more enjoyable. As I step outside I put on my sunglasses, both to shield my eyes from the sun, but also to shield my curious eyes from others. I've found that I tend to be more curious on my journey then others.

I walk at a brisk pace that matches the beat of my music, I smile as I pass the bakery. The smell of freshly baked goods seem to waft across the street every morning. In another few paces I'll smell what I take as Italian. It doesn't take me long to reach the street I need and I turn right, and I step out from the shadows of the buildings and finally I meet the heat of the day. As I walk, I inevitably pass by a boy with a orange backpack, walking with his father to school. His eyes are just as curious as mine, but have no sunglasses to mask them.

I find the metro, I push hard on the swinging door. I'm still not used to the effort required to get it open. I'm now in the stream of people, rushing out to meet the train. I walk by a boy with a ukulele, singing and playing a different tune every morning. I typically stand and wait for my train, peering around looking for familiar faces. Inevitably finding one who I've shared the same journey with another morning. While I ponder if we'll ever meet, it occures to me that my eyes are no longer shielded... and I should stop staring at people.

After packing ourselves onto the train like... well like pickles. I reach for something to hold on to, I have yet to acquire my sea legs. Most people read, some people listen to music, some both... I wonder what they read or listen to, and hell what language would it be in?

At the end of the short ride, like cattle, we rush to the red sortie signs. Around now I'll be serenated by a guy with his guitar, or perhaps the lady with the accordion, or even the guy who likes to give life lessons. After avoiding a guy trying to pass out religious literature, I'm outside again.

I've almost reached my destination and my pace quickens. I pass by the "Soup Soup," and recognize that in a few hours Alex will head right next door for work. I finally approach my building and dislodge my headphones as I pass by security at the front desk. I make my way to the second floor, make a few friendly smiles to people, even a head nod, and hope they won't speak any french to me. I take out my pass card and enter the studio. I smile and say good morning to a few programmers who undoubtedly beat me to work, but I'm happy to say that I'm right on time.

I find my desk and boot up my computer. I set down my "Man bag" from Africa, and go back to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. As I return to my desk and ready myself for the day I can't help but chuckle to myself a little. You think that after four years of study I wouldn't actually be surprised to find myself where I am, and yet I still can't believe it. It's time to start work... It's time to make video games.