Snowball

Sometimes I wonder what I was like as a child. Are you ever curious about what you'd think of yourself if met your younger self? Maybe not, but sometimes I wonder. I feel like I don't really remember as much as I should from my years back home. Sure I've got plenty of stories of the farm and things, but specific things about high school and well school in general feel fleeting at best. I'm sure it's only because so much has happened since then, that sometimes it feels like it's been an eternity since I actually lived there. It's hard not to feel a little bit of a disconnect I think from things in the past... I can't help but feel a little bit of a disconnect in general, it just feels wierd knowing that I haven't really had a constant "home" in quite sometime. Just moved into my new apartment, my third in Montreal, and it's definitely very nice and I'm starting to get settled... I wonder how long I'll actually spend here. Will I be in Montreal in December? Will I be in New Hampshire? Or will I be somewhere completely different? Things have been known to sneak up on me in the past...

I was able to go home for an extended weekend last weekend, and it was really nice to go back. My only connection to that place seems to be my home now, the farm... which is really a farm no longer. I've long since outlived the kayak shop, the bagle shop is under new owners, and really I had no interest in showing my face around the school. So much has changed here, but then again... I've changed too. Although the more I think I've changed and grown, the more I find clues that as a person I haven't changed much. I read a recommendation one of my High school teachers wrote for me, for my college application, describing me... and well it sounded like a lot of it still applied. A friend of mine explained once that we never really lose parts of ourselves, we just add more layers. Like a snowball collecting snow...

I think perhaps I've been focusing too much on this type of thing lately, although it's hard not to be a little introverted at work sometimes, with all of the french being spoken :) While I've picked up quite a bit, I am still relatively in my own head. It's hard not knowing where you'd headed too... There is still so much uncertainty in my life, with minor patches of stability. While I'm confident that I'll be fine, sometimes its hard not knowing what's on the road ahead. Even now I'm not sure how comfortable I should be getting in Montreal, should I be moving my desktop computer up here and start doing my own work on the side? Or would this be just more stuff to move in a few months? Time will tell of course. For now though all is well, I'll just continue living life.