Guilt

I just had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine, which made me really think a lot about… Well the degree program I attended the students in my degree. I can’t help but really want to write this right now, and while I’m positive there are those who won’t agree with me, this isn’t about changing opinions. Perhaps these are just some of the notes of my experiences and thoughts on students, what we give, and even sacrifice for.

It’s so hard not to be a little bit competitive, but that’s healthy right? Of course it is, it makes us all better… We look to our classmates, see what they are doing, and we want to improve. No we must improve if we want to have any chance at a future. That’s what it’s all about right? We can speak about how much we might want to change things, or what we might want to “do.” The end game is always the same… getting that job. If we aren’t the best, or close to it… what chance do we have in the world today? So it eats at you, gnaws at a fresh wound from your last critique. You put in more hours, you take on more projects, because it all looks good on the resume. You sleep less, study more, and sure things certainly do improve. It’s all about the resume, and in the end your senior portfolio… the very thing that you can show to the world and proclaim “I am open for business!”

We do these things but at what cost? We might not even realize it but at times we start to lose a little bit of ourselves. We become paranoid with guilt, and diluted in thoughts of grandeur. It’s the guilt that gets to us… It’s almost like some sort of strange addiction to our work. If we’re away from it, we feel guilty; almost as if we will slip behind and get lost in mediocrity. We can’t take nights off, mornings, it’s even a joke to think you might actually take a day! To take a day off is almost like a distend dream, but something you have no real desire to grasp at that moment because you know… You know what you’ll find waiting for you at the beginning of that day… guilt. Then that day will be like every other.

What will it have been for in the end? Four years lost in a blur of study and late nights as you try to focus on your monitor? Perhaps… I felt myself getting lost once. In fact I was lost, and perhaps in some demented way still am. Work and school was my life, and there could be no other mistress other than Maya… What was I to expect though? I was “Wesley Knee” and I had to keep up appearances. Take this as you will but it’d be silly of me not to recognize that I was a role model for some, and while this filled me with pride. It also helped feed the guilt. It certainly came to a point where I wasn’t sure who I’d be without my reputation, maybe ironic that even in College peer pressure seems to seep into our lives.

I consider myself lucky, I had a friend… a really good friend who made me feel equally as guilty if I didn’t see her either. She helped me some of the way out of the hole that I was in, and helped me stay sane. While I never truly left the hole, which was in some ways was it’s own form of depression, she continued to teach me how to have fun… even take time for myself a little. It helped force me to become really good at managing my time, while I was still a workaholic, I had to schedule in time for her too. Now when I look back at College, I am sure to think fondly of all of my hard work, but even more so of the fun times I had with her. If I were to give any advice to those still in that degree program, I might say that while you need to work hard, you need to schedule time for her too… no matter who or what she is.

I get concerned sometimes, because I can see the same sort of depression in others… the guilt… the “Dark Passenger” whose always there telling you that you are not good enough, you must work harder, and is always there to remind you when you are away from your work. We get stuck in this sort of “mode” and we just become animated machines, we give our souls to our school work and equally as much to the EMC. This is all supposed to be fun right? Hell we’re working on video games! There is a point though were it stops being fun and becomes a lot more about the work it’s self. I consider myself lucky to have my friend who helped me through this, I hope that others won’t give up too much of themselves. I was like you too, still am in many ways, but hope you can find your peace in some way. While our minds go a mile a minute, sometimes we just need time to sort it all out… even if we are feeling the weight of the world… or perhaps just the UN.

If your wondering, then yes… perhaps I am still a bit bitter about somethings. Although I won’t dwell in the past, because right now the present is much more interesting.

~I hope anyone who reads this doesn’t take this post too negatively… this was just something I had to get off my chest~