Today it rained...

Today it rained... appropriately so. There were a lot of emotions leading up to today, with not only dealing with a death but also with tensions within the family. I can't help but have mixed feelings about today, on one hand obviously it was a sad day, and yet I got to make contact again with family members I havn't seen in seven years! You start to feel your age when you bump into someone and when last you remember then they were three feet tall, and now nearly as tall as you are! Not to mention trying to catch with people and when they ask you what you've been up to and where I've been these past few years or even lately... My life is all kinds of complicated I've decided, and at times very hard to explain haha. Between my work in 3D (which can sometime be a hard concept to grasp it's self), AA, CIMIT, and even my most recent trip to Africa... It's quite the laundry list of exploits to a pretty interesting life. What did I do exciting last summer? I created a map for a gaming company (funded by the Army), worked on a training simulation for emergency responders, and oh yea went to Africa to create a game targeted against gender based violence... Oh you worked at KFC? That's nice too....

Beyond all that I was truely touched by talking and hearing others speak of my Grandfather today. His time in highschool playing hockey (he always said he used to be a "goo-lee"), his service in World War II on Iwo Jima, when he married his wife Olive, and right up to the end hearing how much of an impact he made on so many lives. He was pretty incredible in his own right. I certainly had a hard time keeping a straight face at times, and most definitly when the bag piper started playing... I don't know what it is about bag pipes that get to me so much, maybe it was growing up going to the scotch highland games with my family and seeing the pipers march, or the mere fact that it's my heritage...

It was great to see everybody today and I find myself at some peace at home. I don't slow down much, and can forget what it's like... as rediculous as that sounds. Yet I'm somewhat restless and can't wait to get running again. I know in my last post I wrote about how I can never seem to slow down and that I just keep running at every opportunity to do so, but I've decided the reason why I sprint is because I can =)

Douglas Knee Sr... My Grandfather

(Douglas Knee Sr.)

My Grandfather died yesterday at 5:15 pm… Where was I? I was off getting a hair cut, ironically in case I have to see family in the unforeseen future. A bit shallow I admit. Since then I’ve tried hard not to think about it, because let’s face it… who has time for a bit of an emotional breakdown? I know I don’t. Instead I’ve been hurrying and worrying about ensuring that missing a full weekend’s worth of work won’t put me too far behind my own goals. Sending out e-mails to teachers, planning what work I can do from home, and for what? I get in these moods where I find this new “work-a-holic wes” to be frustrating. I get nervous about running through life, I try to slow down but at every opportunity what do I do? I sprint… then trip over something I hadn’t planned for. It’s something like this that reminds me that I need to slow down and be able to see into the here and now… instead of having lofty thoughts of the future.

I’ve become so strategic, almost mundanely so. I’m plan out most things that I do and even now I’m avoiding childhood memories of my Grandfather, oh no that time has been allotted to when I go home. In which case afterwards I’ll brush myself off, acknowledge others when the offer their shoulders or an ear, and pretend that everything is all right. It won’t matter whether it’s true or not, but needless to say I’ll have to be in order to get back up to speed with my oh so exciting life. I acknowledge this is a pretty dismal outlook on things at the moment, and I promise you that it will pass. In any case maybe I’ll feel more comfortable writing about him after this weekend.

I’ll miss you Grandpa…

“Rest in peace, you’ve told us lots of stories…”
(A quote that is traditionally said in an African funeral)

Under Pressure

It's been a while since I've last blogged, and I'm not gunna lie, I'm not exactly sure what to say but I have a lot to show.

First off a week ago we heard back from AA, and they wanted us to retool some things on our map once again. So I did what I do best apparently, and really tried to drastically change things (shake things up). I'm pretty happy with the way things turned out, we drastically changed the mountain set up, lowered the high area, and I was able to create some neat new elements to the south that I think really helps it out a lot. Visually our map is still quite beutiful and I think it just keeps getting better. Although while getting these screen shots I noticed one floating item... =(

So yet again I'm feeling pretty positive about our map, but we'll just have to wait and see what the devs think about our latest revision.

I've also been working pretty hard on assets for Lauren's and my game for Senior production. I'm near completion of a Shack for part of the Forest level of our game. I'm still working on the texture and havn't done the spec map yet.

Lastly I've been workin on trying to figure some sort of art direction for the UN project, and possible promotional art. This is my first go at artrage (a digital painting program) and I was pretty impressed. I sort of used a style that I used on an archetecture study once and well I think I'll them speak for themselves, I was pretty happy with them... We'll have to see what the rest of the group thinks of them.

(The one above is my least favorite... I'm not sure what I was thinking...) So yea, this would usually be about the time where I'd give some thoughtful tidbits about life and my thoughts in general about to be honest, I'm just going on a day by day basis. In some ways I think I've finally lost it, I chuckle nervously at the prospect of all of the work ahead me, and somehow it's all become sort of funny. I'm not meaning this to be negative by anymeans, I'm very thankful to be in the position I am, and excited about everything but... I just try not to think too much about it =)

Not making the cut...

I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’ve been through a lot in this past year… I used to say that a person is merely made of up their experiences and I wanted to experience. In some sort of twisted self-fulfilling prophecy I haven’t just had “experiences,” no that would be understating the places I’ve been, things I’ve seen, and people I’ve had the pleasure to talk to. Through all of this I continue to learn and become some kind of better animal, more able to adapt with the intensities of life. Yet every time I feel as though I have a stable footing, I’m reminded that nothing in my life seems to be written in stone. I used to embrace this flexibility, still do in most respects, and have learned from it. Once such lesson I’ve already blogged about, knowing when exactly to kill a project or creation that is deemed un-necessary. There could be many reasons for doing so, but the lesson learned is to not be married to your creations. I’ve recently read quite a bit about companies who make the same sorts of pruning many of us do in our production phases, these cuts help make the company more lean and productive. Today I saw this in another context… Today I was cut from someone’s life (someone who I care deeply for), in hopes of possibly increasing their own productivity in a sense…

In many ways I understand where this person is coming from, this doesn’t mean I have to agree or even like this decision. I’m not meaning this to be a vengeful post by any means, and I hope that others who read into this won’t think of me as being too bitter. This is just something that’s obviously stuck with me today, and I feel as though I had to comment on it.

Today I lost my footing, tomorrow I’ll get back up again… because it’s what I do and how I survive.

...and hey things could always be worse and let's hope our AA map doesn't meet the same fate =)

We're responsible for what we create...

Tonight I worked at Burlington's Art Hop helping to showcase some of the work coming out from the EMC. I was signed up to represent my group's America's Army map to visitors that stopped by, and it didn't take me long to feel sort of awkward about it. I was stationed right next to my CIMIT group and also down the line from the Information Literacy games and as people came to me they would ask me questions like "And so what do you do in your game?" This was sort of awkward... how else would I reply other than "You shoot people." I tried to change the wording around, threw in words like "Tactics" and "Urban warfare" but in all reality even if it didn't pale in the eyes of whomever I was talking to, it did in my own. Has my constructed reality changed so much?? Then I started to feel somewhat of a hypocrite for feeling negatively about this game and my map. It's not like I don't play these sort of games and enjoy then but it left me with one resounding question... Even though I play these games, are these the sorts of project I want to work on? Dealing heavily with projects from both CIMIT and the UN it's hard to answer that question, especially when I can see the medium put to better uses. I hope anyone reading this isn't thinking that I'm turning into a anti-violence/anti-entertainment industry type person, but I have turned into one that has enough conscious to think a little deeper about it.

Not quite re-adjusted but getting there...

So I'm pretty excited, as well as nervous, about this upcoming semester. The classes that I've had thus far have been pretty positive and really I've been excited about my senior production and art seminar courses. It felt really good that I could show both teachers ideas that I've worked on over the summer and in all reality I was expecting to get shot down a little but what surprised me is that I haven't been! In fact they both have been supportive, and I think if I work things right then I'll be able to work on one cohesive project that will coincide with both classes at once. This sort of thing is going to be my friend this semester, with what little time I have between work and school, any consolidation will be a good thing. Although that's not to say that I'm not still nervous about the prospect of all the work I'm creating for myself, and the fact that I keep second guessing if I'm on the right wave length... I'm feeling pretty positive. Also it's been really sort of funny, things the teachers in both classes have asked if we're familiar with, are certain things (or concepts) I've been working with all summer long. It's really nice to see that knowledge gained this summer has already seeped it's way into my other work. So I have a lot of questions in mind about my process, and I've found that I've been venting about it quite a bit. Although I won't be venting about it here, because I've decided that for the most part no one really understands what I'm trying to explain and it's most likely that I'll have to come up with a solution on my own.

Africa is still very much in my mind though... Yet I've been able to find some people I met in Africa through facebook and was actually able to chat with someone I met at UCT the other day, online through facebook chat! It was pretty radical and incredible to think that I was chatting with someone across the world.

One last thought... I've been reading up on globalization (for my history course) and I've made a correlation to globalization in my own life. Just as globalization has enabled businesses to outsource labor and production accross the globe, in a sense globalization has enabled a small college in the woods of Vermont to work on a video game targeted at moral and social issues for young men in South Africa. Sort of funny to think about...

(Just as Globalization has enabled this South African boy to not only know but wear a shirt featuring Disney's Buzz Lightyear on it)

Disconnected

(Sunset over Robben Island)

It's been sort of weird attempting to return to normality... I'm still unsure why I feel this way, and yet I can't help but feel disconnected from everything. Nothing has really changed, it's the same room I've had all summer long, same roommate, same friends, same life... but I feel sort of lost. It was weird to come back and enjoy my materialistic possessions, I have my cell phone, my car, my computer, my xbox, my "things" in this perfect little world that I inhabit. It's sort of funny really, I return to a place that has so many things to do and I'm unsure of what to do. I've become bored, yet recluse. I feel bad that I have been sort of shying away from people since I've returned, yet when I get an opportunity to talk to someone that went to Africa too I relish in it. It's become hard to answer the question, "How was Africa?" What am I supposed to say? "Cool?" Even now I try to describe the experience and so I stare at my monitor clueless of what to write. Instead I think of the people I had the chance to meet and can't help but wonder how they are doing, how are they surviving? What would they think of my world? They'd think it to be foolish I'm sure, exaggerate beyond all means. They have so little, and I have so much and yet find opportunities to complain... even now ironically haha. I can't help but look at my world in a different light and feel somewhat out of place. Not to mention the school is getting ready to rev up for another year, and the campus has become populated again. Seeing many new freshman run to and fro and me trying to remember what my first weeks here were like. It seems like so long ago, and really sometimes I forget that I'm still attending school. My mind has been maintained by so many other things and issues that I had forgotten about my upcoming academic commitments. It’ll be different attending class tomorrow, no the classrooms haven’t changed but I seemed to have. I probably won’t be able to not think about Sinethemba’s class rooms and their learners…

I’m sorry, I hope this isn’t coming across as too down or depressing because that’s not necessarily what I mean here. I am just trying to explain the disconnection I feel, and yet I don’t think I entirely understand it myself.