Lessons from Nature... the Clyde River

I see a world without boundaries...
This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend a grueling seven and half hours on the Clyde River. Although I'm somewhat sore and sunburned because of the excursion, I had truly a wonderful time. It was really nice to be out, I haven’t really been able to be out in nature for quite sometime and found myself, yet again, in awe of it all. Reflecting back, I didn't speak much the entire day, which must have made me a boring Canoeing partner for Alicia, but thinking about it, I tried hard to think about what I must have been thinking about. I'm one to think pretty much a lot most of the time, but really I found that I wasn't anywhere else but in the moment. I don't "not think" much, and I feel somewhat rejuvenated by simply taking the world around in. I've always found Nature to be the best guide for life and the future, and that day was no different.

On the river, just as in life, we are being carried inevitably forward... Sometimes we try to paddle back upstream, only to inevitably be carried forward once more. There were a lot of parts that were smooth sailing, calm, and peaceful. Yet we did manage to run into a bit of shrubbery now and then, have to portage our canoe over quite a few logs, and even fell into the river once... Yet that's what made the adventure. The day was no less great because of these hang-ups, we just kept working our way through the obstacles the river put in our path. Life is no different, life cannot be measured in solely hardships, but rather the calm areas and the striving through such times. Imagine if we never forgot, and held onto such downtimes... We really wouldn't be able to continue down the river.

The final stretch of the river opened up, to a seemingly easy way to our last stop. The wind picked up though, and just as the river had carried us all this way, we had to push ourselves twice as hard to reach our goal. Yet just as Alicia and I had just about made it, we found one last shallow area and became stuck upon it. Sometimes seeing the finish line is the hardest part... We have to keep moving forward. I can't help but bring this back into the gaming world and what most of us strive to do in the future at the EMC. We can do anything, bold statement I know. Yet if we work hard and keep moving through these obstacles we can accomplish some really great things. The only real boundaries are in our heads, and the limits of our imagination. There's always a solution, always a better way of doing things, the hard part is recognizing that sometimes. Saying this I may sound extremely stuck up, but I don't mean to say that I'm creative enough or imaginative enough to tackle anything... but I am trying to broaden my mind to as many possibilities that I can. Who ever said "think outside the box" is brilliant. I'm going to finish with a quote I stole from Lauren's blog... I'm plagiarizing =P

"Just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never
been this way before."

The Pan in me...

I see that maybe I haven’t grown up nearly as much as I thought I had... bear with me =) I was looking through my blog the other day because I hadn't figured out how to make it so I was notified when someone left me a comment, and I was surprised to see a comment left by Lauren on my first post and this was it...

"This is a belated comment because I've only just started reading your blog, but I think it's funny that you say you hoped at one point to never grow up. I think you've maintained more childlike energy than a lot of people. Watching you interact with the little girl on the monorail, you were playing on her level in a way I've seen few adults manage out of thin air. Traces of days gone by or no, you're truly a great person, and you prove it with more and better examples every day. =)"

I just really felt the need to sort of reply to this comment in a way, first of all I think I've illustrated how highly I think of Lauren and how I continue to be inspired by her drive, but mainly she's a refreshing friend to have because she's as intellectual as I am, if not more. I constantly look forward to seeing her impute on ideas and such and her insight here really caught me off guard but in a really good way. For sometime now I've been focusing on blah blah blah growing up, responsibility, blah blah blah.... And have been relatively down because of it. Yet I'm touched to see that someone thinks that I've been able to maintain some child-esk charisma. Typically I believe people would think it an insult to be called childish, but in this instance I certainly do not. Thinking about it more now I think that possibly it's part of growing up but maintaining the child's eye of the world. Really what I'm talking about is keeping an open and inquisitive mind. Let yourself get excited by the small things! Be able to say WOW every so often keeps us young.

This whole train of thought has brought me full circle into actually thinking about some of my original gaming concepts and Lauren's and my game as well. I really want to shock and awe people, and I really think that Lauren and I can do that. Part of me feels as though a more mature approach would make the game both harder to make and have more impact if we're effective. Although the other part of me feels as though if we can combine our thoughts on a fanciful environment with some resonating mature themes, it could be very interesting. We need to shake it up a bit, and stay in scope as well =) I don't necessarily want too much a warm and fuzzy kind of atmosphere, but I don't want the opposite either... I think what I'll be pushing for is the contrast between the two, that'll make things interesting. If we can truly break away from a norm, get some nitty gritty details in an interesting environment in an interesting way... maybe, just maybe Lauren and I can get people to say "WOW." =)

Meeting the AA team...

I see that there's a future beyond the portfolio... Meeting the America's Army team this week was very interesting. I never realized how much this company kind of exemplifies some of my own values... Beyond creating an entertaining game, their game is used as a serious training tool, and the whole military aspect really kind of appeals to me. Although I felt extremely intimidated at times when the executive producer talked about some of the art style, content, and what is expected of their artists; I felt much more confident when they started talking about group dynamics and the hiring process. Contrary to popular belief they do look at your extra-curricular activities to see what kind of person you are. A major part they emphasized on was if a person communicated well, worked well in a group, had a good work ethic, and was just a fun person to work with. Although I doubt my talents and drive in regards to art, I feel immensely more confident in my communication and leadership abilities. I felt this most today when our group, for the first time, started conceptualizing. I'm only the "artist" mind you, but today I took the brainstorm in at a glance at first, and then basically I dominated the conversation. Dominated is probably not the right word, because I do get worried that I may become too overbearing, and ever since Leslie cautioned me once to be careful because my enthusiasm can be so contagious that I can talk people into seeing my idea as the right idea. I get nervous about that because, just as I cut people off on their own ideas when I see flaws, I always want to make sure the same is being done to me. It's not about pride here; it's about having the best product possible. I said some of these concerns to a teammate today and he responded, "No, it was really good that you took on that position. You weren't overpowering either, you listened to everyone's impute and incorporated their ideas." That made me feel really good =) I sometimes worry that I'm not right for the industry, but after days like today I can't help but feel like I belong here. Why yes I'm the Artist who likes to design, facilitate, and kind of produce... =) I'm hoping that I'll be able to go far with my communication skills. As nervous as I get, I can't help but feel like everything is going to be alright. It was like at the end of today, I had a headache and was really tired but I had a great conversation with Lauren about some gaming stuff, and the fact that we can keep talking about it just feels really good sometimes. I know she may read this at one point but hell I really like working with her, it's extremely fulfilling to work with someone who is both motivated and well I'm not sure how to explain it. She's badass basically... So this would be a great place for some kind of conclusion but I feel as though it's been lost somewhere in the rant above.... But basically everything is going to be alright =)

The extroverted introvert...

I see that people should listen to what their body is telling them... I'm feeling pretty introverted lately. Which is funny because most people would probably describe me as incredibly extroverted, but in all reality I never thought of myself this way before college. I do find myself energized by groups and I function well in them but I do feel the need to distance myself sometimes. Lately I've been a pretty big introvert, after spending the night in my room watching TV on my computer, and after spending a few afternoons this past weekend being outside reading a book, I feel pretty energized. I think that sometimes I need to get a way to recharge some, and I think a big part of it is just reflection time. I had so much time back home, that I didn't know what to do with it. Thinking back now, I did have a use for it... I used much of my time for just thinking. Odd in concept but just thinking about stuff. It can be anything really but I find that lately I've been feeling the need to be intellectual and reflective. I've also been turned off by video games for the most part and have started eating less... Pretty odd for an E-Gamer... Growing up though my Mom always talked about how we should listen to what our body tells us... sometimes we have weird cravings, but maybe that's just your body telling you that's what it needs. I'm starting to see that this doesn't just apply to appetites but personality and perhaps even behavior. We all run in cycles, it's in human nature to constantly run a cycle of sorts. We run all kinds of cycles, one main one I've studied is the cycle of "culture shock" (Honey moon stage, culture shock, initial adjustment, mental isolation, and then acceptance). This is the model for a person entering a new environment but I've found that people can experience in the same atmosphere over and over again. As humans do are we doomed to be somewhat bi-polar with these constant ups and downs? I think in a weird way yes, for if we didn't have these ups and downs wouldn't something be wrong? Now by the "downs" it doesn't have to be drastic, but I feel that everyone should expect a few hiccups in the road. Anyways I feel as though I've gone way off topic but have still made my point. We shouldn't fight what our body tells us... it probably knows best.

The ending has not yet been written...

I see that I sometimes let my fears get the better of me. I started today, unusually late for me, with asking myself a question that I seem to ask myself every now and then.... "What are you doing with your life?" Such a question I never know the answer to, and it scares me. I started out on a walk today, and for some reason started contemplating this. I'm constantly nervous about where I'm headed. Frankly Buck is right at times, I'm not sure I see myself as a 3D artist anymore... yet with the field I'm in that pretty much spells out doom. Does that mean my last four years have been for nothing? With graduation looming ahead, I've become scared. This is not something I feel comfortable talking about most times, with the success I have had this would seem to be a mute point. I'm almost frustrated at my success, because it doesn't give me any excuse to feel the way I feel. And yet I feel as though I took a curiously different road in life, a path that feels like a knife's edge and that in any moment if I happen to slip... well... the journey will end. I haven't even touched Maya in a few weeks, a horrible no no when it comes to my degree. There are even times that I regret not continuing on with my old dreams of being in the Military, a place that I feel as though I'd exceed as well. These were the thoughts I had as I started my trek today. During this walk I found a nice place to sit and read, and so I finished reading "The Book of Atrus." Through reading the climax of this story I can't quite explain my change in attitude... but somehow I've re-discovered this urge of mine to create. These thoughts of creating experiences through video games, sometimes I put these off as childish... and maybe they are a little. Yet something about it feels right. I think what I'm just really scared that I don't have a plan. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing or who I'll be but I think I need to stay the course. For the most part my path keeps changing for me, unexpectedly and these unexpected changes have been the greatest thus far. Reading the last sentence in "The Book of Atrus," "I know my apprehensions might never be allayed, and so I close, realizing that perhaps the ending has not yet been written." It's true for me in my life... I guess what I need to find is a little more faith.

Building off from this I started thinking about Lauren and my game idea, and perhaps we are focusing on the wrong things... We already had some questions about scope but perhaps we're dwelling on the wrong things. Rather than content and history, maybe we should be focusing more on the Journey of the player? I'm not sure... In the big scheme I guess I'm no designer but I have some ideas.

To dwell in the past...

I see that everyone is made up of their experiences, good or bad. This is a thought I've had for quite sometime now but I began thinking about it again today. What sparked this was that I was driving down the road and I just so happen to put in a CD that I didn't realize that Hanz made. Suddenly memories flooded my head and I had one of those "awe" moments... I truely believe that in everything in life, it helps shapes us and guide us at least a little bit. I think a major thing that I'm beginning to realize is to not regret past mistakes, but stride forward with the knowledged gained from these experiences. Such things make you stronger.

"To dwell in the past is to die in the present." ~Atrus's journal, "Riven"

We had our first official meeting as a group with the EMC, this was all pretty exciting. At the end of today it was an odd feeling of, "Is this really what I'm going to be doing this summer?" Overall it's amaizing to think about what we've done and continue to do. It's all pretty exciting =)

For the America's Army project we'll be spending the next two weeks researching and playing before representatives from America's Army will be coming to Champlain to give us a sort of run down of what we'll be doing. It's pretty exciting to think that they are coming specifically to train us =)

My weeks this summer aren't looking so bad, thus far it looks to be an easy Monday, long days on Tuesday through Thursday, and possibly an early Friday. Always getting out by five too will be nice, it'll give me plenty of daylight for kayaking afterwork =)

Dawning of the rest of my life

I see that good things can get better... This pretty much confirms my hypothesis on "it's all in your head." I'm beginning to think that a positive outlook on things can really bring things together. I find that throughout this year my life just keeps on improving, I hope this steady curve upwards continues on. Thinking about "The Secret" I have found myself consciously or subconsciously thinking positively about my life. If anything I feel as though this is a healthy habit. Today was also the first day that things calmed down enough for me to realize just how things had changed in these last few weeks. School is over, summer is beginning with a whole new onset of adventures for me. Looking at everything in regards to my life socially and at work, things are pretty sweet. A lot has changed for me, and I think I'm beginning to get a glimpse of how things may be for me in the future.

I realized I missed posting yesterday, and feel as though I should say now that I may not hit every day, and should not backtrack or things could get confused and hectic. Although one thing about yesterday I do want to mention is that Ironman is amazing!!

Things are pretty good on my end, I'm loving my new car!! I spent most of today trying to arrange my stuff for the move coming up. I had breakfast with Lauren and Steph, that was pretty fun. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about living with Alex, but this far it's been pretty fun. After Alex got out of work we had our first attempt at making a buffalo chicken pizza... It was an honest attempt but the dough didn't cook all the way through. I have some ideas of remedying that in the future though... I also had an unexpected but nice walk by the winooski river with Alicia today =)

Tomorrow we have our first work meeting, I thought we'd be working all day, but only 1 to possibly four. Who knew? Looking forward to this week either way.

It's all in your head... PA training Day 5

I see that success and happiness could very well be a result of a positive way of thinking. I just finished watching "The Secret," which gave an interesting portrayal of how positive thinking about your goals and values really help shape your life. If you focus on the bad, bad things generally happen, yet if you really want and focus on the good you can send out good vibes. Initially this sounds really corny I know... but then I started to think about this past year. After Learning 2007 Lauren and I really really didn't want this roller coaster ride to stop... I can't speak for her, but I'm sure we both thought about it a lot and how it should just keep going. Funny thing is... it did! Amazing opportunities kept happening, and continue to. This is in no way belittling the work of Ann and the rest of the staff at the EMC, but could part of it be these good vibes? There was one opportunity though, that I didn't end up getting. The funny thing is I wasn't surprised. For some reason I just kind of knew that it wasn't going to happen. Was it my negative feelings that doomed me? I don't know if good thoughts or bad thoughts have anything to do with it, but I think it's interesting and may influence the way I think a little.

Today was a really good day, we had out last day of training for Peer Advisers. To be honest I'm sad that it's over, I had a lot of fun and really enjoyed the camaraderie of the group. It was weird being the leader's leader though at times, but I think there was a lot of mutual respect in the group. After saying some goodbyes I decided to run home, and see my new car!! It's pretty exciting, although I'm unable to pick up my roof rack today and my boat but I'm certainly ok with it. It seems kind of surreal that this is my new car... haha!

I'll be running back early tomorrow so I can handle Spinner Place move outs, I guess I won't be moving out tomorrow though. Apparently the cleaning crew is behind and so I will be unable to move until possibly Tuesday... I'm less then impressed but oh well =)

Identity? PA training day 4

I see that I don't associate myself with a label or an identity. Today we had a safe zone exercise where we wrote different words to identify who we were as people, and to protect these titles. Everyone was relating themselves to a word that would define them as an individual, which I found placed them in a group... Like "Italian, Jewish, Muslim, Gay, etc..." Titles like these may define some of what you are, but in doing so places you in a category of a larger group. Thinking back on this I had a hard time coming up with a good identity for me... Student, son, brother were a few words but they weren't as profound as some of the others. Thinking about it, I've never really associated myself with a group of people, whether it be clicks in high school, or even today. I wouldn't say I'm an "E-gamer," because I don't relate to that group. I think there is a lot of emphasis on finding a place or group to belong to... Saying "my people" really doesn't mean anything to me, because my family doesn't associate ourselves with anybody... ethnicity wise or even religious (I'm not saying we're all atheists either). I think this is just the way I was brought up, and still feel today. I truly don't believe I fall into any of these real generalities. My identity is "Wes," there's no other association I can add to myself other than my name. I'm an individual... I'm not like everyone else... Sometimes it may be lonely but I'd much rather be unique.

Today was a great day! We all went to a ropes course, which was really fun and pretty much brought the whole group together. I can't believe how each day I see the comradery get stronger between all of us... It's truely a unique group. We had some safe zone excersizes after lunch, which were ally pretty sucessful. Afterwards I ran up to Steph's house to help her folks put on a Thule Rack, and in return they fed me =)

I came back and was able to catch a little bit of Grey's with Alicia, hung out some with Mike, and then I was becond by the RA on duty phone to handle a check out. To be honest I'm pretty nervious about this Saturday, I feel like I have so much stuff to move. Just now I was trying to pack some but just don't seem to know what to do with it all. Tomorrow I have decided that I'll make it home for at least a night which will be awesome. I really have to sleep now so I can be rested for tomorrow... but one last thing... Lauren and I had a conversation a few days back about coming up with Japanese names and she came up with one for me! Mamoru Nagahara, the first name means protector and the last means eternal wilderness. So in Japanese terms my name means Protector of the Eternal Wilderness... Bad ass I might say!

Thanks Lauren =)