Faith

(Tree Hut concept that's a work in progress. I've been experimenting with water reflections and atmospheric fog.)

I see that it is ok to feel defeated... I just got out of a debrief meeting with my America's Army group. We have still yet to hear what will officially become of our map, but I have high hopes. That is sort of the point of this post I think... Having high hopes. Leaving today, and lately in general, I'm beginning to feel... well old I think. It sort of feels like defeated but that's not really what I'm trying to explain. I think what I really mean is that I just feel war torn, battered and maybe bruised, but a veteran because of it. It was interesting hearing the reflection of other group members about their experiences and working in the Emergent Media Center and being apart of this group and much more at the EMC has given me quite a bit more experiential learning to base my thoughts off of. I've learned a lot from everything I've done and been involved in but it's neat to see some realizations that I've already had because of other projects sort of pop up in others. Our discussion led to many things today but something it brought me back to something I thought quite a bit about and that was the short period of time after the phone conference we had with AA, the one where they were incredibly concerned with our map... the lowest moment for our group. I learned a lot from that short period of time, after that phone conference I felt crushed. If you've read the Five Dysfunctions of a Team, I'm most like Jan... When I work on something it's my baby, and I had worked really hard on the map. When they criticised the map, they were criticising me... Yet as I looked to my other group members I could see the looks of concern on their faces, and I knew this would be the tipping point. This would be where we would make or break it. I couldn't allow myself to be a downer at this moment, for this moment was the most crucial. I whispered to Joel that we're staying for a meeting and I'll be right back. As everyone else began to file out of the room, I found that I had to compose myself before I went back to try to address the group. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face, and I remember looking back at myself. I could see the fear and frustration in my own eyes. I knew I had to wash it away. When I returned to my group it was pretty obvious that moral had hit an all time low. We looked defeated, we felt defeated, but I didn't want to allow myself to show that I was. That was the moment we came up with a drastic plan, with such drastic measures such things had to be done. Some of these things meant that we'd have to delete weeks of work, but it had to be done. After we left from that meeting it still felt pretty rough, but I didn't have any doubts that we would succeed. Falling may be inevitable sometimes, we just have to get back up. We have to believe... I really into the concept of "Belief," yet when I talk about it I don't necessarily mean that you should believe in god or any other faiths. I mean that you need to be able to believe in yourself, and put a little faith in others too. I remember getting frustrated with my group mates and telling them that even though I came up with a lot of answers, that didn't mean they were the right ones or that I had all of them. It was great after this, group participation increased, and some real constructive ideas came out of it. Our group needed to fall a little, in order to become stronger.

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A little while back I think I blogged about "The Secret" and the methodology behind it was that if you wanted something really bad, you have to picture yourself having it... you have to have no doubts that you will achieve whatever "thing" you want the most. I've applied this to my life, sort of, believing that maintaining a good humor on things will only bring good things your way. Yet I do think it's become bigger, in my view. This may sound sort of weird but ever since I was little I had this belief in my head that someday I'm going to do something big. I remember talking to my Mom about it, and I remember saying that I wasn't sure what it was going to be but it would be big. I've carried that with me, I've never really doubted it and somehow it's settled into the back recesses of my mind. I've already found that sometimes a little action may have a big effect, and I think I'm on the path to my goal. I've accomplished a lot thus far, and am increasingly excited about my upcoming projects. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to believe in yourself and your abilities. You have to be able to jump and reach outside of your comfort zone at times. I had no doubts that our map would somehow prevail, and even though it's yet to be decided upon by AA I couldn't be happier with the results. I have little doubt about the UN and CIMIT project and that's exciting...

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See it's ok to feel tired, worn, beat up and defeated... but never show it, because that's not really who you are.