Awake

We were told my grandfather wouldn’t wake up… Since Friday I had been expecting the worst and just sort of waiting to hear it. Preparations were even already underway and it broke me somewhat… For a moment I felt the weight of two worlds colliding and I was left speechless… thoughtless… I wasn’t sure what to do. Beyond preparing for South Africa I’ve become lost in CIMIT. It’s like I’m trying to see through a dense fog of uncertainty. Yet I see light. Somehow my grandfather has woken up, he just talked to my Dad on the phone. I’m not sure of the specifics but I guess it doesn’t really matter… He’s alive.

Through my elation though, I’ve just had a very interesting conversation with a friend who works for the EMC, which left me unsure of what to think. He seems frustrated, and spoke of how there were certain “favorites” at the EMC and me specifically being one of them. I guess he had wanted dearly to be apart of the AA project and UN as well, (not to mention being apart of the “EMC Road show”) two of which I’ve been chosen for. I can’t help but feel guilty, part of me says I shouldn’t because I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, and yet the other part of me that says I should feel guilty… well I still can’t quite find a reason why. Am I being greedy for wanting/hoping to be picked for more conferences? I’m beginning to think I might be. I’ve never bloged about how I can tell there’s a stigma surrounding me now, that’s been with me since Learning 2007. It adds a certain awkwardness with new groups and leaves me second guessing what people think of me. My friend says it’s just jealousy, something he needs to get over. I just hope there isn’t more animosity with him or others, but I suppose that’s normal when it comes to being somewhat successful. Sometimes I feel like saying it’s not easy, I don’t have all of the answers, I’m far from perfect, my art is mediocre, and I don’t really have a “plan.”

But who am I kidding, no one would believe it…

I’ll stay the path because it’s all I know…