Humbled...

(Eagle's Cliff on a hazy day)

I see that sometimes people need the smallest things... bear with me this may be a long one...


I have been thinking for quite sometime now, to give you a reference probably a few years, about social interactions. One kind that I find the most fascinating is when two males, that don't know each other, pass by one another... Or even if they do know each other a little bit it can be a bit strange. Several things may happen, first of all there's an awkward moment where one considers whether or not we are willing to make eye contact. When we decide against it, we may grit our teeth, keep that "I can kill" expression on your face and continue on like the other doesn't exist. BUT! if we decide to make eye contact there are many other rules one may follow. First of all there is the general head nod, making eye contact and then continuing on. BUT! if we decide to say something, immediately our voice has to go just a little lower (to show our masculinity), we maintain eye contact, and the most we say is "How's it goin?" Funny statement as that is... being a question... yet when asked no one ever really expects to get an answer. Instead what is really being said is "I acknowledge your existence," as I continue on my day. I find it fun to play against the rules with something like this... my neighbor, who I've yet to officially meet, keeps bumping into me in the hall way. I've slowly worked him up to a "How's it going," before he nervously continues on. He's sort of squirrely. This bring me to a point about my day. At the end of a long day of somewhat depressing research, I decided to go for a walk. As I walked by the river I walked by two girls talking to one another (they were probably around my age), a women walking her dog, and a middle aged couple. Nothing too out of the ordinary but what came next was, as I approached I saw a man with long, somewhat ratty, black hair, dressed sort of punk-ish, and definitely older. Here came my dilemma, do I make eye contact or do I pretend he doesn't exist. I was prepared to stare straight ahead, yet as he got closer somehow I changed my mind at the last minute. I looked at him, I saw his old weathered face, faded tattooed arms, and clothes to match. Yet as I looked at him, he looked back at me and I couldn't help but crack a smile and say hi as I passed. As I did his face shattered a smile and his longing eyes thanked me as I continued on. I'm fairly certain this man was homeless, and I don't think the two girls, women walking her dog, the middle aged couple, or anyone else on this path had acknowledged his existence. Maybe all he needed was someone to see him... I'd like to think so.

This past week has been a very interesting one, it started with a hike with my Mom up Eagles Cliff back home. Sometimes it's hard to visit home, I enjoy it though... things are simpler for me there and I do miss it. Yet I have another life now that I had to return to, a life that is creative and fun but all the while can scare me nonetheless. It's hard talking about other things that happened this past week other than a talk that I had with someone whom I really respect. As always I've recently have had my fair share of worries of the present and the future in my life and he managed to take some time to sit with me and talk. What he said surprised me quite a bit... He talked of what I have done and continue to do, who I am in his eyes and others, and he talked about his faith in me... and this shook me to my core. For quite sometime now I've relied on my own faith at times, sure my folks believe in me and that's all well and good but to hear someone of his stature state it humbled me. I wasn't sure what to think about it for a while... he helped me shed away some of the fog that life had spread over my eyes and I began to get a glimpse of my effect on others as well. I feel somewhat pompass writing this, I don't want others who read this to think that I'm just inflating my own ego and I don't suppose there's a way to make you think otherwise. This is all just something I need to get off my chest. Looking at what I've done and continue to do, it's quite a task. I can see the magnitude of most of it and it's fairly daunting. Yet I've begun to see that hard problems and tough situations seem to have become my forte. As scary as it may be, it's equally as exciting and I can't let fear swallow me whole. As I sat at Ann's house (Saturday Night), playing Wii with her family, some friends from the EMC, Lauren, and my girlfriend I couldn't help but feel so very adult. It felt so natural though and I really couldn't be happier with where I am and the friend's I've got. I've felt very alone in the past, yet have had the strength to continue on my own accord. What that talk helped me realize is that I'm not so alone as I might think, I still have to stand on my own two feet mind you, but there are others around to help tell me which foot goes first. Maybe that's all I needed, to know that I had been seen.

I don't regret anything... and it's taken me a while to get to that point... to here.