The Green Light...

I see that I'll never truly grow up... It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I've had quite a few revelations since last I wrote. I'm not sure exactly where to begin but I think I'll just start with heading back to work after GIVIT. The first week back seemed really tough for some reason, I think mostly because I missed the great experience I had at GIV. It didn't necessarily end well either, at the end of the week we had a conference call with AA in which it was our first conversations with the two new AA employees we'd be dealing with. They had some pretty harsh criticisms of our map, and I'm not going to lie I was somewhat crushed and frustrated. We've had quite a few ups and downs with our group and this almost seemed to be the brink of it for me. Yet looking at my other two group members (yes only three out of six showed up for this phone conference) I realized that I couldn't allow this to bring me down. If I allowed myself to become negative I could very well bring the rest of the group down with me, instead I found that we should hold our heads high and just be better. We had a group meeting immediately afterwards, where it was obvious that some of us were thinking inevitable doom for our group. I came up with a new game plan... we needed to make the fixes they mentioned and really drastically change our map, enough that it's obvious that we've put a lot of work into this and yet not too much as to take away from a seemingly working mechanic. Leaving that day, I had sort of a mixed feeling. We had a new game plan, we were striving forward, but there was a mixed feeling of being crushed and being hopeful at the same time. The next day I found it ironic that I found my inspiration again and started work on concept art I had been conceptualizing for Lauren's and my game. Last time I wrote about being concerned about not having the ambition to start this sort of work, and within a few days I had it back =) Since then I've really made some great strides towards an interesting new art direction and couldn't be more excited!

While continuing on with our new map direction, working on new interface designs with Ken Howell (who recently joined in on CIMIT), and working on my own art assets I had to write an essay about community service, in order to try to get it waved. My first draft was sort of fluffy, and the professor was quick to catch that, so I had to do another version. This time talking more of what I've learned about myself... I couldn't help but refer to my blog, I started talking about "mini-me" from GIV, and ended up talking about my experience with "Al and Bob" (referring to a blog post I made in April). This may sound sort of lame but looking back of what I've been able to accomplish, pretty much brought me to tears... The main thought I took out from the paper was an idea I sort of fleshed out with Alicia the day before. I had been looking at old letters of recommendation for high school and was shocked to see that many of the same descriptions still sort of fit, yet I feel as though so much has changed since then. I think the main thing is that as we grow, we don't necessarily change.... our core stays the same, we just keep adding layers to it as we grow. Sort of like paper mache, each experience another layer to who we are... never changing, never taking away, but always adding. Thinking of it this way, I was always scared of growing up... I realize now that growing up isn't what scares me, it's change that scares me... but excites me at the same time =)



I also had my interview with Ray, that week, in regards to the new UN project that I'm eager to be apart of. I found that Ray and I had a really great conversation, yet I wasn't sure if it related much to the position. Instead we talked about how diverse my interests are, and how I've really become accustomed to being apart of the design process... yet I'm not a designer but almost would like to be. I love what I do, don't get me wrong, but since working with Lauren my eyes have been open more to game play mechanics then ever before and find that with everything that I'm involved with now, I'm not just a 3D Artist anymore. Which is neat, but also worries me because I'm not specializing as much as I should be in my selected field, instead I've become far too interested in practically everything! Yet that is sort of who I am, I've always had a diverse interest and I think it may benefit me in the end... Oh and if Lauren is reading this Congrats again on being one of the design leads! I couldn't think of anymore more deserving... I just hope I can join you in this next endeavor. Our next great adventure =)

I know I'm writing a lot but I just feel as though I have a lot to cover so I'll continue haha... I went home this past weekend and it was really great! I couldn't believe how much I had missed home, and this may sound lame but how much I missed Mom. It was so fun just being together because we are another kind of team that I had before I got into all of this mess. Two sides of a coin and we just seem to be pretty awesome together, whether it be fixing dog runs, or just plain out dealing with certain family members... I missed us. It was also really neat to see some of my other family. I got to see my two cousins (Bryan and Tyler), my aunt and uncle, and my Grandparents. I'm pretty sure I hadn't seen them since Christmas, which is sort of sad to think about. My family has never been super close but we try our best... well my side does anyways =) I find it hard sometimes though, because I feel bad for our cousins quite a bit. Their parents are extremely pushy when it comes to sports, chores, and whatever else they deem necessary. It's hard to see their childhood slip away behind a list of chores and practices... I see this most evident in my younger cousin Bryan. He has that inquisitive mind that I've become so familiar with, yet he has not outlet. It worries me because I can't help but feel that there's going to be a breaking point for him, where he may start to push back against his father's brutness. I'm not sure what may happen in result of such an event, but either way I value Bryan as being an individual. It's harder for Tyler, it seems as though he's been sucked in too deep into the thoughts and dreams of his father, and it's come to a point where if he doesn't end up playing in the major leagues in any way, he may think of himself as a failure... at least in his father's eyes. It's hard because since he has had to focus so much on other things he severely lacks computer and other technical skills that could possibly propel him in other areas. I'm not sure what will happen, but there will be a point where my cousins will be able to start walking their own path, out from under their father's shadow.

(This is a picture drawn by my cousin Bryan=)

One thing I feel as though I want to address quickly that's been bothering me, is that I've been reading a friend's blog and been talking to another friend who's been at home this summer. They seem to share many of the same feelings I share at home, we don't really communicate with anyone back home anymore, other than our family, and we become eager and miss friends back here in Burlington. Another thing that makes it hard is the nature of our field, and how many people back home don't quite understand what we do... What bothers me some is that my friends seem to literally be counting down the days until they return. I can't really say much because I don't know the exact nature of what their home lives are like, but I can't help but feel that rather than constantly looking forward to leaving again then perhaps we should look and value on the time spent now and today. It's hard feeling so alone, yet this sort of reflection time only makes us stronger in my opinion... I've felt alone a lot over the past few years and still in some areas but rather than focus on it, I've decided to become stronger because of it. How we react to situations judges who we are, in a certain aspects we judge how miserable we choose to be. I choose to be strong, I choose happiness and hope other do too.

Returning from home this week was harder for me then usual, I had found that I missed that "down time" I seemed to have lost here in my hectic new life. I couldn't' help but be flustered returning to work, as massive amounts of information was thrusted at me and I tried to cope with dissecting it again. As I defined it in an e-mail to my cousin Bryan, I've become "Mr. Important" again. Which is great but hectic and stressful at the same time. Leaving for a few days seems to have made that apparent for me. Yet I love the life I live =) Speaking of hectic though, yesterday we had a "surprise phone conference" with the America's Army guys. You might remember that my last talk with them hadn't gone quite as well, and was pretty much defined as a low spot for me. Yet I think it could also be defined as a pinnacle moment for me as well, where I consciously chose not to be negative. During this talk they started with mentioning a few fixes that we needed to make for our map and then there was this pause. My group wasn't sure what to think of this, and we sort of tentatively asked "Is that it?" When they replied that yes that pretty much the criticism they had for us today and that they had noticed we had gone through some major changes and the map really seems to be coming together... and they ended with "We're giving you the Green Light to continue on for another week and then hopefully publish your map." At first I had a sudden odd jolt of joy, they liked our map! They actually like our map!! Then my stomach seemed to fill with butterflies as I started to think... They like my map! In a big sense this was my brain child and this is going to be mass distributable! People are going to be able to play an idea I had, all over the world! This is what it's all about isn't it? Granted I've only scratched the surface of what I'd like to accomplish, but this is a very definite start. I strive forward now, a little more confident, and eagerly awaiting to hear about the UN project. Yet I can't help but feel as though I not only got the Green Light on my map, but on life in a way =)




(here's a hint... click on the text)